I had an image of our community that I wanted to share. It was a very simple image. I imagined all of us standing in a circle looking at the center of the circle where Jesus was standing. What struck me about the image was that we were not overly distracted by the others who were standing around Jesus. We were absorbed by Jesus and His beauty and love. He was how we measured what beauty looked like. I imagined what it might look like for someone in the circle to try and steal the show and I thought of someone doing a funny little dance. And I imagined that we might simply think that that person’s performance was rather silly and endearing and not at all worth comparing to what we saw in Jesus. And that we would have compassion on those who didn’t realize that they were doing a silly dance next to our glorious Jesus. And we would know that they are just afraid and that is why they are putting on such a funny performance. That they don’t know just yet how beautiful Jesus thinks they are and so they are not yet able to rest in the circle. They still think that they have to do something silly to be loved.
Anyway, there it is. It is my prayer for this community. That we would learn to rest in a circle around Jesus.
Mark
Monday, September 21, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Facts
So I hear of people desperately trying to come across some sort of info about what we're doing. Here is an effort to satisfy those curious.
Atangard Community Project is an not for profit enterprise renovating the rooming division for the Fraser Valley Inn. They will be providing affordable accomodations in teh downtown core for students and young professionals with an emphasis on community. There are 20 rooms with private bathrooms, some large enough for double occupancy. Also provided are common kitchen area, dining room, lounge, and laundry facilities. These residences will be managed by Atangard Community Project Society.
FAQ's
Whats the cost?
Rooms are priced between $375 and $500.
Who is eligible to apply?
The applicant will be between the ages of 19 and 35 and will be either employed or a student such that the total weekly hours of schooling or employment is 30 per week or more.
Where can I apply and what does this process look like?
Please email atangard@gmail.com and request an application. Completed applications can be dropped in person from 10am - 5pm Monday - Saturday. In addition to the written application there will be an interview component before acceptance is verified.
When can I move in?
Target opening date is Sept 1. Residence are moving in in phases. We are filled up for Sept. next available move in date is Oct. 1.
Where can I get more information?
Try emailing us with your questions at atangard@gmail.com, or calling us at 604.850.1545.
We look forward to hear from you.
Atangard Community Project is an not for profit enterprise renovating the rooming division for the Fraser Valley Inn. They will be providing affordable accomodations in teh downtown core for students and young professionals with an emphasis on community. There are 20 rooms with private bathrooms, some large enough for double occupancy. Also provided are common kitchen area, dining room, lounge, and laundry facilities. These residences will be managed by Atangard Community Project Society.
FAQ's
Whats the cost?
Rooms are priced between $375 and $500.
Who is eligible to apply?
The applicant will be between the ages of 19 and 35 and will be either employed or a student such that the total weekly hours of schooling or employment is 30 per week or more.
Where can I apply and what does this process look like?
Please email atangard@gmail.com and request an application. Completed applications can be dropped in person from 10am - 5pm Monday - Saturday. In addition to the written application there will be an interview component before acceptance is verified.
When can I move in?
Target opening date is Sept 1. Residence are moving in in phases. We are filled up for Sept. next available move in date is Oct. 1.
Where can I get more information?
Try emailing us with your questions at atangard@gmail.com, or calling us at 604.850.1545.
We look forward to hear from you.
Who I am.
No one truly wants to be ignored. No one wants to feel like a nuisance. Many of us are starving for love.
Asserting my identity tires me out. Our society is ill. In my journey of personal growth, I often confront roadblocks that keep me bound and constrained. We often feel a certain stuckness in our dysfunctions, don't we. I'm coming into a place of rest, within, where my identity is not at stake with every action. Well there is an ebb and flow to life, and perhaps I am in the flow. Next week, or next month I may once again be looking out onto a seemingly barren beach - the ebb. Indeed, when do we have enduring certitude about who we are? A lack of confidence pushes us to say things, or act in such a way as to assert our identity, our self-hood. I often direct my words to others, making commitments to actions, hoping and believing that I will pull through a live up to said commitments.
I like the Dave that is amazing and does a lot of significant things, more than the Dave that is just like anyone else (without uniqueness). It's this discontent with my self that causes me to form unrealistic goals, goals that once attained (by magic perhaps), will make me more the sort of guy I want to be. The Dave that - got a degree/fixed your bike by next week/came and helped out with The Project every day/never missed a day at work/called you yesterday/stuck to it even though it felt like dying/ etc. It's a crushing realization, to find out that I am less than I thought I was. I have a hunch some people who really know me, at this point will want to rush in with their affirmations and encouragements. This is because these are beautiful and loving people. But you don't do me any favors by allowing me to ignore the poverty of my human condition. I say this recognizing that accepting rebuke is one of the hardest things to do for anyone, and I am certainly no exception.
I'll take reality over idealism now. I'm 25. Hmmm. The idealist experiences a lot of disappointment in life. This is because he or she is constantly running into the gaps between the ideal and reality. In these gaps, is our confusion, our disappointment, our doubts, and our pain. But what is the alternative? Shall we give up all our hope and ideals so as to protect us from confusion, disappointment, doubts and pain? I want disillusionment. At times I have felt as though the very foundations of my life were swept from beneath me. Though I know that there are illusions that I depend on for my very survival - and God is compassionate to not break them too soon, or too violently - I want reality. Reality is Truth and Truth is God. Though it brings me to some fearsome places, moments of despair, my heart continually beckons me forward, compels me to wrestle with the deepest questions of who I am. Sometimes I worry for my mental health - wonder if I'm going crazy. The death of my illusions often feels like the death of my very self. Even so, my center is Christ. My foundation, is Jesus Christ.
I'm a satellite of The Christ. It's recorded in Luke 9:23-26 that Jesus said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels." I read this and tremble. It's the Holy Spirit I guess, who keeps calling me out, beckoning me forward into the dance of life and death. Deep movements quake and slide within, while I live and burn and from the ashes I rise. A phoenix. Okay so I tend to romanticize a little. ;)
There are many little deaths along the path of becoming; becoming human. I understand the process of becoming human as becoming more like Jesus Christ. Thus the parts of me that resist and protest are simply the parts that are as yet, mine. The temptations that Jesus faced at the hands of the evil one after 40 days of fasting in the desert were temptations to assert his identity. Jesus was reticent to remind the people that he was God. He admitted to it when pressed, but he didn't assert his identity in a violent (using the term broadly) way, using his power to do so. I want to learn to do the same.
I'm the youngest of six. Hmmm. Maybe I grew up competing for place, having to prove myself. Even in the healthiest and best of families, there are wily dysfunctions. It's no one's fault.
I accept that I'm just an ordinary guy. I rest in simple repentance, not the kind that begs God to make me a hero according to my fallen notions of perfection. I don't have to do all these amazing things to get people to love me. It is ambition and a need for significance in the eyes of others- an ugly permutation of the ego, that idolizes another self. As yet, I'm usually suspicious of other people acceptance of me. I'm easily accept as true, what others believe about me. Trying to prove yourself to others at every turn is exhausting. Well, you can't please everyone I guess.
Dave Vandergugten
Asserting my identity tires me out. Our society is ill. In my journey of personal growth, I often confront roadblocks that keep me bound and constrained. We often feel a certain stuckness in our dysfunctions, don't we. I'm coming into a place of rest, within, where my identity is not at stake with every action. Well there is an ebb and flow to life, and perhaps I am in the flow. Next week, or next month I may once again be looking out onto a seemingly barren beach - the ebb. Indeed, when do we have enduring certitude about who we are? A lack of confidence pushes us to say things, or act in such a way as to assert our identity, our self-hood. I often direct my words to others, making commitments to actions, hoping and believing that I will pull through a live up to said commitments.
I like the Dave that is amazing and does a lot of significant things, more than the Dave that is just like anyone else (without uniqueness). It's this discontent with my self that causes me to form unrealistic goals, goals that once attained (by magic perhaps), will make me more the sort of guy I want to be. The Dave that - got a degree/fixed your bike by next week/came and helped out with The Project every day/never missed a day at work/called you yesterday/stuck to it even though it felt like dying/ etc. It's a crushing realization, to find out that I am less than I thought I was. I have a hunch some people who really know me, at this point will want to rush in with their affirmations and encouragements. This is because these are beautiful and loving people. But you don't do me any favors by allowing me to ignore the poverty of my human condition. I say this recognizing that accepting rebuke is one of the hardest things to do for anyone, and I am certainly no exception.
I'll take reality over idealism now. I'm 25. Hmmm. The idealist experiences a lot of disappointment in life. This is because he or she is constantly running into the gaps between the ideal and reality. In these gaps, is our confusion, our disappointment, our doubts, and our pain. But what is the alternative? Shall we give up all our hope and ideals so as to protect us from confusion, disappointment, doubts and pain? I want disillusionment. At times I have felt as though the very foundations of my life were swept from beneath me. Though I know that there are illusions that I depend on for my very survival - and God is compassionate to not break them too soon, or too violently - I want reality. Reality is Truth and Truth is God. Though it brings me to some fearsome places, moments of despair, my heart continually beckons me forward, compels me to wrestle with the deepest questions of who I am. Sometimes I worry for my mental health - wonder if I'm going crazy. The death of my illusions often feels like the death of my very self. Even so, my center is Christ. My foundation, is Jesus Christ.
I'm a satellite of The Christ. It's recorded in Luke 9:23-26 that Jesus said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels." I read this and tremble. It's the Holy Spirit I guess, who keeps calling me out, beckoning me forward into the dance of life and death. Deep movements quake and slide within, while I live and burn and from the ashes I rise. A phoenix. Okay so I tend to romanticize a little. ;)
There are many little deaths along the path of becoming; becoming human. I understand the process of becoming human as becoming more like Jesus Christ. Thus the parts of me that resist and protest are simply the parts that are as yet, mine. The temptations that Jesus faced at the hands of the evil one after 40 days of fasting in the desert were temptations to assert his identity. Jesus was reticent to remind the people that he was God. He admitted to it when pressed, but he didn't assert his identity in a violent (using the term broadly) way, using his power to do so. I want to learn to do the same.
I'm the youngest of six. Hmmm. Maybe I grew up competing for place, having to prove myself. Even in the healthiest and best of families, there are wily dysfunctions. It's no one's fault.
I accept that I'm just an ordinary guy. I rest in simple repentance, not the kind that begs God to make me a hero according to my fallen notions of perfection. I don't have to do all these amazing things to get people to love me. It is ambition and a need for significance in the eyes of others- an ugly permutation of the ego, that idolizes another self. As yet, I'm usually suspicious of other people acceptance of me. I'm easily accept as true, what others believe about me. Trying to prove yourself to others at every turn is exhausting. Well, you can't please everyone I guess.
Dave Vandergugten
Saturday, August 1, 2009
I found the poem...
BEAUTIFUL CREATURE
There is a beautiful creature living
in a hole you have
dug,
so at night I set fruits and grains and little pots of
wine and milk
beside your soft earthen
mounds,
and I often sing to you,
but still, my dear, you do not come out.
I have fallen in love with someone
who is hiding inside
of you.
We should talk about this problem,
otherwise I will never
leave you
alone!
There is a beautiful creature living
in a hole you have
dug,
so at night I set fruits and grains and little pots of
wine and milk
beside your soft earthen
mounds,
and I often sing to you,
but still, my dear, you do not come out.
I have fallen in love with someone
who is hiding inside
of you.
We should talk about this problem,
otherwise I will never
leave you
alone!
Friday, July 31, 2009
A little treasure from Karin's treasury
I (Mark) was meeting with Karin last week and she shared a poem that I thought beautifully described our relationship with God. I don’t have the poem (just ordered the book) but I wanted to share the imagery of this poem. I don’t remember too accurately (surprising!) but the picture that stuck with me is of a creature hiding in a hole, in darkness. The poem describes someone gently and lovingly trying to coax this creature out of its hole. He would leave little treats at the top of the hole and wait for the creature to gain courage. He wanted so much that the creature would know that he was safe because what he wanted more than anything was just to enjoy this creature and let it experience the space and beauty of all that was outside of its hole.
I just thought that this so describes the process of our hearts learning to trust. We have been hiding for a long time in fear and shame and we’ve become so suspicious of love. He is coaxing our hearts out of hiding and He is doing this by showing us his kindness. Little by little. The creature takes one little taste of His goodness and then goes back into hiding. It continues to do this until it learns that it is truly safe to come out of hiding. This is a slow process and He knows that we will many times go back into our hole. He forgives us every time and then goes on leaving more treats for us to taste. He goes on singing a song of His love that beckons our hearts once again.
All of this reminds me of Romans 2:4 “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?” So often it is us who get impatient with the process and judge our repeated failures. This is why we think we should stay in the hole, because we’ve failed yet again. It can be scary when all we can hear is the voice of shame because we so desperately want to step out of our prisons. We’ve tasted of the light, of freedom and we no longer want to hide in our holes. But all of this depends upon Him and not us. He is in charge of rescuing us from darkness. It truly is too much for us: our fear, our shame, the voice of the enemy. But God has always been in charge of delivering his people and I am convinced that He has begun a good work in our community that He will faithfully continue.
Psalm 18:17
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
I just thought that this so describes the process of our hearts learning to trust. We have been hiding for a long time in fear and shame and we’ve become so suspicious of love. He is coaxing our hearts out of hiding and He is doing this by showing us his kindness. Little by little. The creature takes one little taste of His goodness and then goes back into hiding. It continues to do this until it learns that it is truly safe to come out of hiding. This is a slow process and He knows that we will many times go back into our hole. He forgives us every time and then goes on leaving more treats for us to taste. He goes on singing a song of His love that beckons our hearts once again.
All of this reminds me of Romans 2:4 “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?” So often it is us who get impatient with the process and judge our repeated failures. This is why we think we should stay in the hole, because we’ve failed yet again. It can be scary when all we can hear is the voice of shame because we so desperately want to step out of our prisons. We’ve tasted of the light, of freedom and we no longer want to hide in our holes. But all of this depends upon Him and not us. He is in charge of rescuing us from darkness. It truly is too much for us: our fear, our shame, the voice of the enemy. But God has always been in charge of delivering his people and I am convinced that He has begun a good work in our community that He will faithfully continue.
Psalm 18:17
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
I musn't forget...
2 Weeks.
Till the first phase moves into atangard.
The building.
2 Years.
Almost to the day, that this project was initiated.
2 Hot.
Outside this week.
2 Many answered prayers.
For me to deny that God really is faithful. I remember one meeting probably over a year ago where we looked at the story of the Isrealites escaping Egypt. The Lord, delivering these people from a life of slavery, performing miracle upon miracle, and it would seem that the Isrealites would almost instantly forget the Lords provision, and start to worry and complain...worry and complain..doubt and worry...complain. Mom talked about building a monument to remind us of the miracles, so we would never forget.
2 different temperatures.
..Coming out of the fosits at atangard, but not together. plumbing needs repair, and its a messy situation with years of (fill in the blank) patch up jobs.
2 be afraid.
The unknown stares us in the face and paralizes us. I have these feelings sometimes...they are fearful ones. They visit a lot of us and can cause us to loose hope, or sanity...or sleep or all of the above. They are not from God. How do I know what is from God? And what is reason or practicality or caution? What THOUGHTS (fears) do I tolerate and entertain? As a human, I like something tangable. Why do i forget the bible so easily?
2 entertain 2 long.
I may start to believe the lies. If I believe that God desires me (us) to do greater things then He did on earth, thats going to take a lot of faith. (our battles not against flesh and blood (" "))
2 be authentic.
I don't want to pretend. I also don't want to stay in the same place for the rest of my life. stagnancy is sad and boring if you desire to grow up. ..and frustrating as hell.
2 arrive.
That would be nice.
2 build a monument.
A mental monument perhaps? A memory that is in my heart. Of God putting a dream in his childrens hearts and then, in His wisdom and timing, carrying it out to fruition. And using the different gift and abilities of a bunch of underqualified, unexperienced, some very uneduacted, frightened, willing, generous, driven, modivated people, who were hungry for change...to do you know what...or maybe you don't, im not sure I know...(but He will not delay). I don't believe that God would bring us to the point of birth and not deliver.
2 Partner with Christ.
To have Christ as a partner? Like a real relationship? We would do stuff together? Make dicisions together? I'de have to really trust Him. and know Him, Ide have to want to spend a lot of time getting to know Him.
2 have "Half baked" next to you when you wake up.
Our little ceramic owl friend was designed in a way that makes him look a little stoned, as his eyes are half shut. We filled him with coffee grinds and his little twin has a flourishing peppermint plant growing from him. They will be moving with us into the atangard.
2 be content but not complacient.
2 learn to spell.
2 learn to love God.
2 enjoy life.
2 be thankful.
Today I want to simply remember what kind of God I serve. Faithful one.Trustworthy. Fearless. All knowing. Compassionate. passionate. generous. Extravagent. powerful. Dependable. Merciful. Gentle.
1cor 2:9 (scattered all through out my journal over the years, I think i was trying to make myself believe that life one day would be exciting)
Tess
Till the first phase moves into atangard.
The building.
2 Years.
Almost to the day, that this project was initiated.
2 Hot.
Outside this week.
2 Many answered prayers.
For me to deny that God really is faithful. I remember one meeting probably over a year ago where we looked at the story of the Isrealites escaping Egypt. The Lord, delivering these people from a life of slavery, performing miracle upon miracle, and it would seem that the Isrealites would almost instantly forget the Lords provision, and start to worry and complain...worry and complain..doubt and worry...complain. Mom talked about building a monument to remind us of the miracles, so we would never forget.
2 different temperatures.
..Coming out of the fosits at atangard, but not together. plumbing needs repair, and its a messy situation with years of (fill in the blank) patch up jobs.
2 be afraid.
The unknown stares us in the face and paralizes us. I have these feelings sometimes...they are fearful ones. They visit a lot of us and can cause us to loose hope, or sanity...or sleep or all of the above. They are not from God. How do I know what is from God? And what is reason or practicality or caution? What THOUGHTS (fears) do I tolerate and entertain? As a human, I like something tangable. Why do i forget the bible so easily?
2 entertain 2 long.
I may start to believe the lies. If I believe that God desires me (us) to do greater things then He did on earth, thats going to take a lot of faith. (our battles not against flesh and blood (" "))
2 be authentic.
I don't want to pretend. I also don't want to stay in the same place for the rest of my life. stagnancy is sad and boring if you desire to grow up. ..and frustrating as hell.
2 arrive.
That would be nice.
2 build a monument.
A mental monument perhaps? A memory that is in my heart. Of God putting a dream in his childrens hearts and then, in His wisdom and timing, carrying it out to fruition. And using the different gift and abilities of a bunch of underqualified, unexperienced, some very uneduacted, frightened, willing, generous, driven, modivated people, who were hungry for change...to do you know what...or maybe you don't, im not sure I know...(but He will not delay). I don't believe that God would bring us to the point of birth and not deliver.
2 Partner with Christ.
To have Christ as a partner? Like a real relationship? We would do stuff together? Make dicisions together? I'de have to really trust Him. and know Him, Ide have to want to spend a lot of time getting to know Him.
2 have "Half baked" next to you when you wake up.
Our little ceramic owl friend was designed in a way that makes him look a little stoned, as his eyes are half shut. We filled him with coffee grinds and his little twin has a flourishing peppermint plant growing from him. They will be moving with us into the atangard.
2 be content but not complacient.
2 learn to spell.
2 learn to love God.
2 enjoy life.
2 be thankful.
Today I want to simply remember what kind of God I serve. Faithful one.Trustworthy. Fearless. All knowing. Compassionate. passionate. generous. Extravagent. powerful. Dependable. Merciful. Gentle.
1cor 2:9 (scattered all through out my journal over the years, I think i was trying to make myself believe that life one day would be exciting)
Tess
Monday, July 13, 2009
On My Birthday
It is my birthday, so perhaps that is the reason for my nostalgia, but I miss those days which will never be again.... the days of anticipation for a time we thought would never come and now we are so close I can taste it. Memories of huddled bodies in the Deck, knee to knee, speaking of life in ernest tones, laughing long, pouring out our souls before God and man...... Things I use to dream about are becoming my waking days and etherial visions are becoming tangible realities. As much as I relish this new found concreteness to the vision, I miss the last two years of plans and prayers, conversations and consultations.
I remember people who have flowed through our lives as supporters and constructive critics telling us the should's and shouldn'ts .... sometimes we listened taking their comments to heart; holding them molding them until we understood what it would take to do this. The Others' we considered thoughtfully and thoroughly and then with a resounding "We shall overcome!".... overcame, but not on our strength alone.
Many hands make light work and they have, as people invested in rebuilding this place they were also developing community and a sense of place. Whether they live at the Atangard or not they have spent a part of themselves here and it will always remain with them and them in it. They will always be welcome because they have never really left.
The cost has been great... I know this especially for Dave and Sophia and the entire Suderman family. Our lives are short and how we invest the time we have is important, I am glad they have decided to invest it here. I am happy to invest with them as much as I can and I thank God frequently and vehemently that I can count them as friends. The people in this world as amazing as them are few..... So few in fact that it is a wonder that this project is surrounded by so many like minds, like spirits; and each new person I meet adds to the sum of the parts exponentially more than they could alone. The building is already physically more magnificent than I had imagined before we started it's transformation and though I do not know what the community will look like, if the renovation is any indication it will be more than my words here could describe.
dan
I remember people who have flowed through our lives as supporters and constructive critics telling us the should's and shouldn'ts .... sometimes we listened taking their comments to heart; holding them molding them until we understood what it would take to do this. The Others' we considered thoughtfully and thoroughly and then with a resounding "We shall overcome!".... overcame, but not on our strength alone.
Many hands make light work and they have, as people invested in rebuilding this place they were also developing community and a sense of place. Whether they live at the Atangard or not they have spent a part of themselves here and it will always remain with them and them in it. They will always be welcome because they have never really left.
The cost has been great... I know this especially for Dave and Sophia and the entire Suderman family. Our lives are short and how we invest the time we have is important, I am glad they have decided to invest it here. I am happy to invest with them as much as I can and I thank God frequently and vehemently that I can count them as friends. The people in this world as amazing as them are few..... So few in fact that it is a wonder that this project is surrounded by so many like minds, like spirits; and each new person I meet adds to the sum of the parts exponentially more than they could alone. The building is already physically more magnificent than I had imagined before we started it's transformation and though I do not know what the community will look like, if the renovation is any indication it will be more than my words here could describe.
dan
An excerpt from my personal journal...
Ok, no one else is posting so it's me again...you're just all going to have to deal with it :)
So it seems to me, through different conversations I've had with people and my own experience, that some of us are going through a time of difficulty, darkness, death (or whatever other d-word you want to insert here). I wanted to share a portion of a journal entry that, perhaps, is a relevant reflection (no juicy self-disclosures...too bad). So here it is:
"So many of us are in darkness, hiding from ourselves, hiding from others. We just can't handle seeing ourselves honestly. But as we fight this exposure, this dissolving of the character that we've pretended to be, you absorb the blows of our monsters as you continue to woo our vulnerable souls. You continue to invite that simple playful child into the light of the world.
We have to listen to that invitation over and above the many voices around us that say that our souls are not welcome in this world, the voices that say it is not Ok to be as we are. Jesus, enable us to hear your song and for our souls to respond and burst forth into the glorious light.
As the cross represents the full-extent of our ego's activities, our fears, our self-protection that ends up doing violence to others, so the resurrection represents the soul's, the child's victorious entrance into the world. That after all of our violence, all of our rejection of love, all of our reliance on our own self-protection, all of our pride, after all of this, the resurrection declares that despite all, he has still chosen to welcome the soul into the world. As the cross represents the painful death of our own efforts, the death of our images, our self-righteousness, so the resurrection represents the coming to life of that which is deepest within us, the glorious deliverance into a place where we are finally free to live as we've longed to live, beyond the fears and restrictions that lock up the soul.
But the cross precedes the resurrection so that we might know that we did not attain this through our own efforts, that we might experience the full-extent of His love. The full extent of His love was shown at the cross because it was in the midst of the full-extent of our violence. Jesus knows that we will only be able to rest in His love when we experience first our crosses then our resurrection. We can rest because we know that all we did was sin and the gift was still given to us. So often we can't rest in the love of those around us because we know that we have earned it, or manipulated it. Jesus is wise in allowing us to come to the end of our ability to manipulate his love--and He does this for our sake, so that we might rest deeply in him, finally relax in love."
Anyway, there it is...a short, as always, reflection that may or may not make sense.
Mark
So it seems to me, through different conversations I've had with people and my own experience, that some of us are going through a time of difficulty, darkness, death (or whatever other d-word you want to insert here). I wanted to share a portion of a journal entry that, perhaps, is a relevant reflection (no juicy self-disclosures...too bad). So here it is:
"So many of us are in darkness, hiding from ourselves, hiding from others. We just can't handle seeing ourselves honestly. But as we fight this exposure, this dissolving of the character that we've pretended to be, you absorb the blows of our monsters as you continue to woo our vulnerable souls. You continue to invite that simple playful child into the light of the world.
We have to listen to that invitation over and above the many voices around us that say that our souls are not welcome in this world, the voices that say it is not Ok to be as we are. Jesus, enable us to hear your song and for our souls to respond and burst forth into the glorious light.
As the cross represents the full-extent of our ego's activities, our fears, our self-protection that ends up doing violence to others, so the resurrection represents the soul's, the child's victorious entrance into the world. That after all of our violence, all of our rejection of love, all of our reliance on our own self-protection, all of our pride, after all of this, the resurrection declares that despite all, he has still chosen to welcome the soul into the world. As the cross represents the painful death of our own efforts, the death of our images, our self-righteousness, so the resurrection represents the coming to life of that which is deepest within us, the glorious deliverance into a place where we are finally free to live as we've longed to live, beyond the fears and restrictions that lock up the soul.
But the cross precedes the resurrection so that we might know that we did not attain this through our own efforts, that we might experience the full-extent of His love. The full extent of His love was shown at the cross because it was in the midst of the full-extent of our violence. Jesus knows that we will only be able to rest in His love when we experience first our crosses then our resurrection. We can rest because we know that all we did was sin and the gift was still given to us. So often we can't rest in the love of those around us because we know that we have earned it, or manipulated it. Jesus is wise in allowing us to come to the end of our ability to manipulate his love--and He does this for our sake, so that we might rest deeply in him, finally relax in love."
Anyway, there it is...a short, as always, reflection that may or may not make sense.
Mark
Saturday, June 6, 2009
A lengthy reflection from Taize
Last Saturday evening I was playing at a Taize service at the Abbey and a metaphor struck me deeply that I wanted to share. I was struck with the beauty that emerges when we listen to each other. My experience playing with Taize has been one where each person serves the other and gives the other an opportunity to let their instrument sing out. The violin will be highlighted in one verse and then pull back and support the other musicians. The music will build and the trumpet will give it energy. Then the musicians pull back and the song ends with the delicate harp and guitar. Each instrument has value and allows the other instruments to shine in the way that only that instrument can shine.
This struck me as a metaphor for community. Its as if each of us are a particular instrument that was made to contribute to the music in a unique way.
I imagined the kind of sound that would come from a group of musicians who were competing to have their own voice heard. It would become progressively louder and more chaotic, with each musician concerned with how they could shine individually. In this battle to be heard each player might have their own strategies. The trumpets might blare their horns and blame the violins for not being able to make such a powerful sound themselves. They might claim that the violins are not being their true selves and they simply need to play louder so their voice can be heard. The violins might simply stop playing and judge the trumpets for drowning them out. They might claim that the sound of the violin is the measure of all things beautiful and the trumpets are merely being noisy. Perhaps part of why we do this is that we are afraid of the beauty that the other possesses that we do not possess ourselves. The trumpets play loud because they are afraid of the delicate beauty of the violin. The violins stop playing, judge the trumpets, and feel sorry for themselves because the trumpets make a powerful sound that they cannot replicate.
The truth is that we are all guilty. We are all desperately afraid and we respond in ways that damage each other and sacrifice the beauty of the music that we could create together. Each instrument is beautiful and needs to be listened to. In a truly beautiful piece of music, no one steals the show. In all of this, we can either settle for personal glory (or safety) or we could have our deepest yearnings met and be given the gift of love for one another. Jesus understands that we do not trust the other musicians and that there is so much fear. But we can’t go on simply pointing the finger at others and appealing to how we’ve been victimized. Because we all share in this guilt. Both the trumpets and the violins are guilty. The good news is that Jesus has grace for us and he invites us to have grace both for ourselves and for others. He is inviting us to make a sound as a community that is about His glory. Maybe when it is about His glory, we will be able to relax with one another because no one is trying to attain power by diminishing the power of anybody else. Imagine all the instruments letting their voice ring in service to God’s glory, and all the other instruments celebrating together the piece of God that that instrument reflects. All of us adding a unique aspect of glory that needs to be listened to, not competing but humbly serving the song that is about Him and not us.
Mark
This struck me as a metaphor for community. Its as if each of us are a particular instrument that was made to contribute to the music in a unique way.
I imagined the kind of sound that would come from a group of musicians who were competing to have their own voice heard. It would become progressively louder and more chaotic, with each musician concerned with how they could shine individually. In this battle to be heard each player might have their own strategies. The trumpets might blare their horns and blame the violins for not being able to make such a powerful sound themselves. They might claim that the violins are not being their true selves and they simply need to play louder so their voice can be heard. The violins might simply stop playing and judge the trumpets for drowning them out. They might claim that the sound of the violin is the measure of all things beautiful and the trumpets are merely being noisy. Perhaps part of why we do this is that we are afraid of the beauty that the other possesses that we do not possess ourselves. The trumpets play loud because they are afraid of the delicate beauty of the violin. The violins stop playing, judge the trumpets, and feel sorry for themselves because the trumpets make a powerful sound that they cannot replicate.
The truth is that we are all guilty. We are all desperately afraid and we respond in ways that damage each other and sacrifice the beauty of the music that we could create together. Each instrument is beautiful and needs to be listened to. In a truly beautiful piece of music, no one steals the show. In all of this, we can either settle for personal glory (or safety) or we could have our deepest yearnings met and be given the gift of love for one another. Jesus understands that we do not trust the other musicians and that there is so much fear. But we can’t go on simply pointing the finger at others and appealing to how we’ve been victimized. Because we all share in this guilt. Both the trumpets and the violins are guilty. The good news is that Jesus has grace for us and he invites us to have grace both for ourselves and for others. He is inviting us to make a sound as a community that is about His glory. Maybe when it is about His glory, we will be able to relax with one another because no one is trying to attain power by diminishing the power of anybody else. Imagine all the instruments letting their voice ring in service to God’s glory, and all the other instruments celebrating together the piece of God that that instrument reflects. All of us adding a unique aspect of glory that needs to be listened to, not competing but humbly serving the song that is about Him and not us.
Mark
Friday, May 15, 2009
The pain of moving from ideal to reality
I wrote this first with many abstractions and generalities, but then realized that I should add some juicy self-disclosures. I hope you enjoy them.
Thought #1: The pain of walking toward community is the pain of self-revelation. We can maintain an illusion of ourselves and our ability to love so long as we remain distant. Jean Vanier says “While we are alone, we could believe that we loved everyone.” This is the pain of moving from an ideal to reality. It is so easy to speak of the type of person and community that we desire to be when we are not living the reality. I speak far too easily about these things. To actually have those qualities forged in us is not as easy. The desire to love is followed by a process whereby we learn that we suck at loving. Part of the pain is having to be honest with ourselves and honest with others. This is so scary because we discover that we are not who we thought we could be to others. We are not who we thought we had to be in order to be loved by others, and neither are others as we had imagined them to be. I wonder if this movement from the interaction of images to the interaction of textured real people comes with some initial let downs. We have to let go our images, our superficial perfection. But I wonder also if there is a deeper joy found in reality than dreamy ideals.
Thought #2: So often I think that we come together and parade around our best qualities, trying to earn an identity, trying to establish ourselves as worthy and desirable. Yet we compete for people’s praise and affection as if only a few worthy individuals at the top of the social ladder will attain it. I am so guilty of this. So often insecurity drives me to measure my strengths against others weakness. I, for instance, am a better person because I am just so caring, never assert my own needs, and am polite to strangers. But then I see others who are passionate, energetic, and soulful and I am completely intimidated. When they succeed at winning friends and affection, I, in my so called maturity, call their energy superficial, wait for a need that I can nurture, and then I am reestablished as a valuable commodity in the world of identities. This is all really a terrible game. This competition for value brings up in me so many embarrassing internal reactions, so many questions about whether or not I will be loved. It takes away my ability to celebrate those who are beautiful around me.
I really want to internalize the truth that this value and worth that we are fighting over are not scarce resources. I would love to move together to a point where we can expose our monsters and be known because we no longer have to buy value through the presentation of our best qualities. We can finally rest with one another. All of us broken and all of us loved. How refreshing would this be in a culture of idolatry! People who have learned that they are more glorious as human beings full of strength and weakness, full of energy and limitation, than they are as distant images of perfection.
Yours truly,
Mark
Thought #1: The pain of walking toward community is the pain of self-revelation. We can maintain an illusion of ourselves and our ability to love so long as we remain distant. Jean Vanier says “While we are alone, we could believe that we loved everyone.” This is the pain of moving from an ideal to reality. It is so easy to speak of the type of person and community that we desire to be when we are not living the reality. I speak far too easily about these things. To actually have those qualities forged in us is not as easy. The desire to love is followed by a process whereby we learn that we suck at loving. Part of the pain is having to be honest with ourselves and honest with others. This is so scary because we discover that we are not who we thought we could be to others. We are not who we thought we had to be in order to be loved by others, and neither are others as we had imagined them to be. I wonder if this movement from the interaction of images to the interaction of textured real people comes with some initial let downs. We have to let go our images, our superficial perfection. But I wonder also if there is a deeper joy found in reality than dreamy ideals.
Thought #2: So often I think that we come together and parade around our best qualities, trying to earn an identity, trying to establish ourselves as worthy and desirable. Yet we compete for people’s praise and affection as if only a few worthy individuals at the top of the social ladder will attain it. I am so guilty of this. So often insecurity drives me to measure my strengths against others weakness. I, for instance, am a better person because I am just so caring, never assert my own needs, and am polite to strangers. But then I see others who are passionate, energetic, and soulful and I am completely intimidated. When they succeed at winning friends and affection, I, in my so called maturity, call their energy superficial, wait for a need that I can nurture, and then I am reestablished as a valuable commodity in the world of identities. This is all really a terrible game. This competition for value brings up in me so many embarrassing internal reactions, so many questions about whether or not I will be loved. It takes away my ability to celebrate those who are beautiful around me.
I really want to internalize the truth that this value and worth that we are fighting over are not scarce resources. I would love to move together to a point where we can expose our monsters and be known because we no longer have to buy value through the presentation of our best qualities. We can finally rest with one another. All of us broken and all of us loved. How refreshing would this be in a culture of idolatry! People who have learned that they are more glorious as human beings full of strength and weakness, full of energy and limitation, than they are as distant images of perfection.
Yours truly,
Mark
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Community?
this project has become my life over the last while and to some people their only association with who i am. you know that girl whose doing that thing... sometimes i feel like the poster child for community. i feel the pressure to live up to everyones expectations of what that looks like. sometimes i feel like if im not nice enough, friendly enough or happy enough people will walk away saying some community girl she is.
and to this i have two things to say.
one is that, i do not by any means think that i am an example of community. in fact this ambition comes out of an understanding of what i lack. i understand that i am not a very intentional friend maker. that i am not the most outgoing, and that it takes a lot of time and effort to take a friendship past fun and small talk. and in this i recognize the value of living with people. this has seemed to be the atmosphere which often facilitates meaningful relationships with people i otherwise wouldnt have, and often brings issues to the forefront wouldnt have been addressed. it is a place to know people and learn from them.
second thing to say, and somewhat removed from the last statement, is about this buzz word community. sometimes i hate the word and the frequency with which it is thrown around. it is a somewhat ambiguous term. although quite popular among our age group and social genre. some older generations seem confused by the term, or maybe just the way we use it. a local housing professional suggested that we not use the term community living because it is most commonly used for old age homes. more recently i have come across people who are so deeply associated with the concept of community that would fight to keep its definition pure. i have been told on more than one occasion that there is a difference between community and shared housing, and there is no middle ground. to these people community seems to mean that they have found the people they will die with. my distaste for this word is not associated with these diehard covenentals, or the dietrich bonheofers and other authors we've read. i respect these people and their integrity. my discomfort lies in the ease with which it is thrown around maybe between friends, or even within the confines of our tuesday nights. it is the times when this word could just as easily be defined as or replaced with the word club. to me the word community speaks unspecifically of individuals, and more as a place of open doors. a line that is hard to draw although perhaps the foundational people are obvious to place. the references i commonly hear are specific to certain individuals which have by some means attained inside status. these doors are heavy and hard to open.
its kind of an abrupt place to end. i have no conclusion. you may disagree with me. it would be great if you voiced it. leave a comment. it seems that have pointed sharp fingers and admitted to my own accusations. although my own short comings were offered up as the voice of a victim, to you i extend the sword. some community girl she is.
lets drop the facade and stop thinking we're so great. we've got a long ways to go guys, but im glad we're walking this path together.
sophie
and to this i have two things to say.
one is that, i do not by any means think that i am an example of community. in fact this ambition comes out of an understanding of what i lack. i understand that i am not a very intentional friend maker. that i am not the most outgoing, and that it takes a lot of time and effort to take a friendship past fun and small talk. and in this i recognize the value of living with people. this has seemed to be the atmosphere which often facilitates meaningful relationships with people i otherwise wouldnt have, and often brings issues to the forefront wouldnt have been addressed. it is a place to know people and learn from them.
second thing to say, and somewhat removed from the last statement, is about this buzz word community. sometimes i hate the word and the frequency with which it is thrown around. it is a somewhat ambiguous term. although quite popular among our age group and social genre. some older generations seem confused by the term, or maybe just the way we use it. a local housing professional suggested that we not use the term community living because it is most commonly used for old age homes. more recently i have come across people who are so deeply associated with the concept of community that would fight to keep its definition pure. i have been told on more than one occasion that there is a difference between community and shared housing, and there is no middle ground. to these people community seems to mean that they have found the people they will die with. my distaste for this word is not associated with these diehard covenentals, or the dietrich bonheofers and other authors we've read. i respect these people and their integrity. my discomfort lies in the ease with which it is thrown around maybe between friends, or even within the confines of our tuesday nights. it is the times when this word could just as easily be defined as or replaced with the word club. to me the word community speaks unspecifically of individuals, and more as a place of open doors. a line that is hard to draw although perhaps the foundational people are obvious to place. the references i commonly hear are specific to certain individuals which have by some means attained inside status. these doors are heavy and hard to open.
its kind of an abrupt place to end. i have no conclusion. you may disagree with me. it would be great if you voiced it. leave a comment. it seems that have pointed sharp fingers and admitted to my own accusations. although my own short comings were offered up as the voice of a victim, to you i extend the sword. some community girl she is.
lets drop the facade and stop thinking we're so great. we've got a long ways to go guys, but im glad we're walking this path together.
sophie
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Not an Experiment.
For a long time the first description people saw on this blog or on our facebook group was that we were a project - an experiment seeking to live together in community. For as long as that description had been proclaiming itself to the world, I had been feeling slightly uncomfortable with that declaration. Was it that seemed to provide a disclaimer to the end result? If this all crashes and burns - hey, it was just an experiment.
Len, the caretaker of the building responded this way to our wording, "I don't look on it as an experiment, I think it's going to be an interesting change." As we come to the close of our third week of renovations, there are many changes taking place around the building, but perhaps less taking place in us as a community. It is easy to focus on the practical tasks at hand and forget that building relationships with each other is as vital as making this a livable space.
This morning I revisited pre-reno times - a video (posted below) by Sophie Suderman and Samuel Bryce below, part 1 of a documentary on the project. Back then, we just had dreams and words - no paint, no power tools. And some of those words we spoke - I had forgotten. We spoke of sharing our humanity with those around us, that that is the beginning of change.
I am extremely intimidated by the task of loving those around me - first to love them, and then act out this purported feeling is a task I do not feel capable of. Instead of rushing ahead to all out love - perhaps my first step could be to share my humanity. To be open and honest about my struggles and fears regarding this project. In the video, Jim used the word stumbling to describe our journey as a community, a word that equally applies to me. The stumbling itself, is not the problem - it is the unwillingness to share the milestones I reach along the way. Without helping people glimpse the journey as it progresses- the conclusions I arrive at may be so far away from where they last knew me to be - I may have created a divide impossible to span.
An essential and important part of community is difference - but without communication difference can simply becomes division. I don't want this to be true in this project. I want to begin opening up - a messy endeavor to be sure, and one I have failed at miserably in recent months. We still dream and talk (a lot) amongst our renovation work - we talk about an atangard running club, paint colors, reupholstered furniture, an atangard library - but in between those dreams, let us begin attempting more honesty. Let's let our hesitations spill out as we pour primer and our fears as the sawdust fills the air- why we are committed, why we are not - because it is in this openness that our stumbling can draw us together. We will not end up at the same conclusions, but will be richer for glimpsing the journey of those we paint alongside. We will not all stay here - but we all have a hand is its formation.
My fear? Giving in claustrophobia and the overwhemling-ness of living out true community. Drawing inward - retreating to stumble alone, repeating to myself continually that no one understands who I am and what I am staggering through. I am afraid that I will cope by busying myself in the daily work of operating the project and simply fulfilling the commitments I have made out of obligation, until I move on to the next thing, the next place. And then, letting those who are alone or uncomfortable do the same, unsupported - numbing myself to their needs and wants so well, that at some point I will cease to feel bad about it.
My hope? That our different journeys will become the strength behind this project. That we will embrace it not as an experiment, easily dismissed if failed - but as an opportunity to live life in a richer and fuller manner. No matter what this project looks like, it will not be easily controlled and the results not easily qualified - it is a journey, an adventure. I hope that I will stop using distance as my default reaction - I hope that my default reaction will instead become sharing my humanity.
-Beth
Atangard Community Project from Sam Bryce on Vimeo.
Len, the caretaker of the building responded this way to our wording, "I don't look on it as an experiment, I think it's going to be an interesting change." As we come to the close of our third week of renovations, there are many changes taking place around the building, but perhaps less taking place in us as a community. It is easy to focus on the practical tasks at hand and forget that building relationships with each other is as vital as making this a livable space.
This morning I revisited pre-reno times - a video (posted below) by Sophie Suderman and Samuel Bryce below, part 1 of a documentary on the project. Back then, we just had dreams and words - no paint, no power tools. And some of those words we spoke - I had forgotten. We spoke of sharing our humanity with those around us, that that is the beginning of change.
I am extremely intimidated by the task of loving those around me - first to love them, and then act out this purported feeling is a task I do not feel capable of. Instead of rushing ahead to all out love - perhaps my first step could be to share my humanity. To be open and honest about my struggles and fears regarding this project. In the video, Jim used the word stumbling to describe our journey as a community, a word that equally applies to me. The stumbling itself, is not the problem - it is the unwillingness to share the milestones I reach along the way. Without helping people glimpse the journey as it progresses- the conclusions I arrive at may be so far away from where they last knew me to be - I may have created a divide impossible to span.
An essential and important part of community is difference - but without communication difference can simply becomes division. I don't want this to be true in this project. I want to begin opening up - a messy endeavor to be sure, and one I have failed at miserably in recent months. We still dream and talk (a lot) amongst our renovation work - we talk about an atangard running club, paint colors, reupholstered furniture, an atangard library - but in between those dreams, let us begin attempting more honesty. Let's let our hesitations spill out as we pour primer and our fears as the sawdust fills the air- why we are committed, why we are not - because it is in this openness that our stumbling can draw us together. We will not end up at the same conclusions, but will be richer for glimpsing the journey of those we paint alongside. We will not all stay here - but we all have a hand is its formation.
My fear? Giving in claustrophobia and the overwhemling-ness of living out true community. Drawing inward - retreating to stumble alone, repeating to myself continually that no one understands who I am and what I am staggering through. I am afraid that I will cope by busying myself in the daily work of operating the project and simply fulfilling the commitments I have made out of obligation, until I move on to the next thing, the next place. And then, letting those who are alone or uncomfortable do the same, unsupported - numbing myself to their needs and wants so well, that at some point I will cease to feel bad about it.
My hope? That our different journeys will become the strength behind this project. That we will embrace it not as an experiment, easily dismissed if failed - but as an opportunity to live life in a richer and fuller manner. No matter what this project looks like, it will not be easily controlled and the results not easily qualified - it is a journey, an adventure. I hope that I will stop using distance as my default reaction - I hope that my default reaction will instead become sharing my humanity.
-Beth
Atangard Community Project from Sam Bryce on Vimeo.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Rubbermaid to Recycling - Reflections on Repentance and Righteousness
The rumble of voices started to grow from room 200 as people arrived for the weekly gathering. I had come early to Atangard to do a walk around, to see progress, to look at how the building was being redeemed and reinvented. As people entered the room, opinions, ideas, stories, and good humor floated in a delta of directions. Then when it was time, there was call to attention as Sophie spoke. She called us to focus our thoughts in prayer, to be centered. Prayers erupted like popcorn kernels on a hot skillet. And then it happened; just as spontaneously as the other prayers—Debbie spoke about a beating in her heart—and we were centered, the flow was focused.
Debbie shared of her walk earlier that day. Her steps around the garbage cans set out for weekly pic up seemed to jump out at her more than the usual. I don’t know the intricacies of how it all works but it seemed that Holy Spirit was speaking to her, breathing on her, and allowing her to be “inspired” beyond rubermaid containers.
The implications had gravity as she shared the depth of the metaphor in detail. “Everyone has trash, and there it is on display for everyone to see.” The allusion was fittingly paired with brokenness and sin in our lives. Debbie described how some had bins that were sealed tight so that no one could pry—unless of course they were authorized by personal attachment or occupation. Also, she highlighted a bag that sat beside the trash cans, it was a bag of seemingly noble origins and was clear so that the contents could be seen. Ready to be recycled, acceptable bits and pieces were tied in these bags. Debbie called these the bag of socially acceptable brokenness.
“Jesus, wants to help us with our trash and recycling. It is all bad.” I could feel that Debbie was hitting a nerve. Comments started to trickle from those sitting in our odd shaped circle. I looked at the wall wondering what was to come. Would the room burst out in confession like I have seen at campfires or at charismatic alter calls. Would the freshly stripped floor be anointed with tears? Or would it flow more civilly, one confessing to another like a parishioner to the priest?
I took a few deep breaths. What is my garbage? What is my brokenness? What is my need? Are these my friends, my brothers, and my sisters worthy of being given the place of Mother or Father (priest)? We are of course a priesthood of all believers? (I may be ripping that out of context, but it fits within the biblical historical role of a priest - to go on behalf of the people to God for forgiveness of sins)
Confession and confrontation became a topic instead of an act. It was dissected and discussed rather than displayed. Someone voiced that fact and the comment left the room in silent decision. The pondering was then interrupted by vocal inspiration of one, and verbal processing of another. The decision was made. The trash although there was not being sorted tonight. The lid was being kept on for another maybe more unofficial time. Confrontation was talked more about than confession, and the popcorn began to fly as conversation shifted from internal personal renovation to the practical task at hand.
It wasn’t that we didn’t want to engage with the messy process of confession and repentance. And I don’t think that tonight was necessarily the time or the place. We are in process. We are in the liminal place of transition from cleaning and tearing out to installing, painting and moving in. All this takes time - He has patience. The rooms are waiting - He is our helper, We are broken - He is a skilled carpenter and has been broken and poured out for us.
I left in the midst of a few lingerers that conversed about life and plans for the future. I was refreshed and challenged by the meeting. The night called me to present my heart before the One who made it. Maybe this needs to happen first before we present ourselves to each other in a corporate confessional way.
Community happens at many levels, sizes, and structures. The thoughts and ideas of others led me to think that community is often reflective and related to the depth of our relationships (Communion). As well, I was reminded of a specific communion time shared a few years ago. It was focused on Psalm 23:5 - You prepare for me a table in the presence of my enemies.
The liturgy highlighted that we approach the table with both enemies within as well as external threats and dangers. There were masks surrounding the table decorated and labeled with the seven deadly sins. We all wear these masks at one point or another. They seem to be daily decisional breakdowns that we use as security for us - void fillers- garbage from the house of our heart.
In the midst of this our Shepherd sets a table. The invitation is multifaceted. We identify that we are the enemy as much as we have enemies. We are invited to step into love, repentance, redemption, and reconciliation. We are invited to move outside of our masks and eat and drink with the one who was broken and poured out so that we could be whole - so that we can “dwell in the house of the Lord forever” (Ps 23:6) So that we can be shaped as a living stone mortared along with our brothers and sisters, trusting them as mothers and fathers, being the potential that rests in the treasure of the kingdom that lies beyond the confessional booth.
And yet the masks remain, garbage collects, a daily choice, a momentary option. Take hope, He is there waiting at the table.
Adam Nash
Debbie shared of her walk earlier that day. Her steps around the garbage cans set out for weekly pic up seemed to jump out at her more than the usual. I don’t know the intricacies of how it all works but it seemed that Holy Spirit was speaking to her, breathing on her, and allowing her to be “inspired” beyond rubermaid containers.
The implications had gravity as she shared the depth of the metaphor in detail. “Everyone has trash, and there it is on display for everyone to see.” The allusion was fittingly paired with brokenness and sin in our lives. Debbie described how some had bins that were sealed tight so that no one could pry—unless of course they were authorized by personal attachment or occupation. Also, she highlighted a bag that sat beside the trash cans, it was a bag of seemingly noble origins and was clear so that the contents could be seen. Ready to be recycled, acceptable bits and pieces were tied in these bags. Debbie called these the bag of socially acceptable brokenness.
“Jesus, wants to help us with our trash and recycling. It is all bad.” I could feel that Debbie was hitting a nerve. Comments started to trickle from those sitting in our odd shaped circle. I looked at the wall wondering what was to come. Would the room burst out in confession like I have seen at campfires or at charismatic alter calls. Would the freshly stripped floor be anointed with tears? Or would it flow more civilly, one confessing to another like a parishioner to the priest?
I took a few deep breaths. What is my garbage? What is my brokenness? What is my need? Are these my friends, my brothers, and my sisters worthy of being given the place of Mother or Father (priest)? We are of course a priesthood of all believers? (I may be ripping that out of context, but it fits within the biblical historical role of a priest - to go on behalf of the people to God for forgiveness of sins)
Confession and confrontation became a topic instead of an act. It was dissected and discussed rather than displayed. Someone voiced that fact and the comment left the room in silent decision. The pondering was then interrupted by vocal inspiration of one, and verbal processing of another. The decision was made. The trash although there was not being sorted tonight. The lid was being kept on for another maybe more unofficial time. Confrontation was talked more about than confession, and the popcorn began to fly as conversation shifted from internal personal renovation to the practical task at hand.
It wasn’t that we didn’t want to engage with the messy process of confession and repentance. And I don’t think that tonight was necessarily the time or the place. We are in process. We are in the liminal place of transition from cleaning and tearing out to installing, painting and moving in. All this takes time - He has patience. The rooms are waiting - He is our helper, We are broken - He is a skilled carpenter and has been broken and poured out for us.
I left in the midst of a few lingerers that conversed about life and plans for the future. I was refreshed and challenged by the meeting. The night called me to present my heart before the One who made it. Maybe this needs to happen first before we present ourselves to each other in a corporate confessional way.
Community happens at many levels, sizes, and structures. The thoughts and ideas of others led me to think that community is often reflective and related to the depth of our relationships (Communion). As well, I was reminded of a specific communion time shared a few years ago. It was focused on Psalm 23:5 - You prepare for me a table in the presence of my enemies.
The liturgy highlighted that we approach the table with both enemies within as well as external threats and dangers. There were masks surrounding the table decorated and labeled with the seven deadly sins. We all wear these masks at one point or another. They seem to be daily decisional breakdowns that we use as security for us - void fillers- garbage from the house of our heart.
In the midst of this our Shepherd sets a table. The invitation is multifaceted. We identify that we are the enemy as much as we have enemies. We are invited to step into love, repentance, redemption, and reconciliation. We are invited to move outside of our masks and eat and drink with the one who was broken and poured out so that we could be whole - so that we can “dwell in the house of the Lord forever” (Ps 23:6) So that we can be shaped as a living stone mortared along with our brothers and sisters, trusting them as mothers and fathers, being the potential that rests in the treasure of the kingdom that lies beyond the confessional booth.
And yet the masks remain, garbage collects, a daily choice, a momentary option. Take hope, He is there waiting at the table.
Adam Nash
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Hungry
This weeks meeting was the second meeting at our long awaited prayer request, the project. But now that it is in progress I have felt that the prayer requests are different, at least for me. There are not huge road blocks stopping us from the renovation process. With the renovations happening there came ideas, concerns and logistics to discuss. After that business was tended to Sophie expressed her concern about not letting the project become an identity. It is not meant to glorify yourself, or give you identification but it is a common goal our community shares. There has been many people giving their time and energy to renovations. There are some that have been blessed with free schedules, there are others that slot their time in between their work elsewhere. This makes the atangard truly a community project.
Dave Gug spoke about love, in order to give love you must first be able to receive it. Worldly love is not enough there is a void that still needs to be filled. Debbie and Dave Suderman shared about their experience when their marriage began. Getting married was very exciting and busy for them and when the wedding was over they had an awakening. The void they thought was easily filled turned out to be something that was designed to be filled by the Lord not each other.
Sometimes I can go from friend to friend to boyfriend seeing how much one can contribute to my void. I can honestly say I am completely happy with my incredible boyfriend who compliments me very well. My friends add to my happiness but being wonderful listeners and laughing at my jokes. My community makes me feel loved and included. But in the midst of all my happiness I don't feel completely full. It's like going to bed hungry, you try to sleep but your stomach growls and your thoughts float from nachos to a fruit smoothie. It's an urge that doesn't want to be ignored, you can sleep it off but it will stay on your mind until it has been satisfied. Hungry, I come to you for I know you satisfy.
Jainee
Dave Gug spoke about love, in order to give love you must first be able to receive it. Worldly love is not enough there is a void that still needs to be filled. Debbie and Dave Suderman shared about their experience when their marriage began. Getting married was very exciting and busy for them and when the wedding was over they had an awakening. The void they thought was easily filled turned out to be something that was designed to be filled by the Lord not each other.
Sometimes I can go from friend to friend to boyfriend seeing how much one can contribute to my void. I can honestly say I am completely happy with my incredible boyfriend who compliments me very well. My friends add to my happiness but being wonderful listeners and laughing at my jokes. My community makes me feel loved and included. But in the midst of all my happiness I don't feel completely full. It's like going to bed hungry, you try to sleep but your stomach growls and your thoughts float from nachos to a fruit smoothie. It's an urge that doesn't want to be ignored, you can sleep it off but it will stay on your mind until it has been satisfied. Hungry, I come to you for I know you satisfy.
Jainee
Monday, March 23, 2009
Painting My Own Discomfort
Why would anybody want to live in community? I’ve been asking myself this a lot lately. My life is full. Full to the rim with relationships, miscommunications, companionship, suffocation, hospitality and anxiety. I can't count the sleepless nights, playing and re-playing situations. Frustrated by people, frustrated by my reactions to people.
Reflecting on last weeks meeting, I ponder which direction to go with this posting. Where is the community at right now?
I want to be truthful. I’m learning that holding anxiety and conflict inside can be poison to the human body , to the mind and to relationships. There is something exceptionally healing in the safety of a listener, a sounding board, someone who can relate.
There are things inside of me that grip me with fear. Lies I believe. Maybe my parents believe them, maybe even my grandparents.
Community has caused me a lot of tension. There have been times, that my conveniently buried mess, the ugly stuff no ones supposed to see or know about, has come uncontrollably spewing out of me! This has left me embarrassingly exposed before my friends. Will they accept me..or reject me?
There are plenty of personalities floating around, prying and irking, curious little creatures, eager for intimacy. I instinctively take my Q, and slip into self preservation mode.
A friend shared a story with me: She was commissioned to do a painting. She worked on it faithfully in her art class. Her art teacher took a keen interest in her success as well. Each time she thought she was finished, the teacher would encourage her to keep working at it. There was always something to be tweaked. Finally, she was sure the painting was complete. The teacher came up behind her, looked at the painting and proceeded to paint a big black streak across the canvas. She was so mad, he just wrecked everything! The teacher looked at her and said, "You are afraid of depth."
Misty hadn’t told me this story metaphorically, but when she said that last line, my stomach started to turn, and I sensed God challenging me. Urging me to let down my guard to the people he's placed around me. I also heard a warning, it will be painful at times, to see that ugly black streak across the canvas.
Your wondering how this relates to last weeks meeting..? Adam Nash shared his story last Tuesday night with us. He told us memories from his childhood, and parts of his life growing up -a rambunctious pastors kid. I was struck by his transparency. He said he had no regrets ("well, maybe one", he admitted), because his experiences and even mistakes have lead him down the path to where he is today, shaped him into the person he is now. He talked about his relationship with his father and a common trend all through growing up of seeking approval from his dad. Adam didn’t sugar coat his story for us, he pretty much laid it all out there before us...I guess he was willing to risk our Judgment, fair or unfair.
Vulnerability still causes me a fair amount of discomfort. However I long to have texture and depth in my life. I want to learn to respond out of love, and not fear or lies. Community has brought me to a place where I am utterly dependant on God's grace and mercy. I am also left to except the grace of my friends.
Once in a while, I catch a glimpse of this painting being worked on. It’s quite an interesting piece, a reflection of me I hardly recognize. There's still distortion from disproportion, and parts that are almost warped by cynicism. Still, in spite my harsh critique I see something beautiful is emerging. So thank you Adam, your openness has inspired me to continue this pursuit of depth in relationship.
Yours truly,
Tessa
"I will give thanks to your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness, because your promises are backed up by the honor of your name. When I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me the strength I need...don't abandon me, for you made me." Psalm 138: 2,3 & 8
Reflecting on last weeks meeting, I ponder which direction to go with this posting. Where is the community at right now?
I want to be truthful. I’m learning that holding anxiety and conflict inside can be poison to the human body , to the mind and to relationships. There is something exceptionally healing in the safety of a listener, a sounding board, someone who can relate.
There are things inside of me that grip me with fear. Lies I believe. Maybe my parents believe them, maybe even my grandparents.
Community has caused me a lot of tension. There have been times, that my conveniently buried mess, the ugly stuff no ones supposed to see or know about, has come uncontrollably spewing out of me! This has left me embarrassingly exposed before my friends. Will they accept me..or reject me?
There are plenty of personalities floating around, prying and irking, curious little creatures, eager for intimacy. I instinctively take my Q, and slip into self preservation mode.
A friend shared a story with me: She was commissioned to do a painting. She worked on it faithfully in her art class. Her art teacher took a keen interest in her success as well. Each time she thought she was finished, the teacher would encourage her to keep working at it. There was always something to be tweaked. Finally, she was sure the painting was complete. The teacher came up behind her, looked at the painting and proceeded to paint a big black streak across the canvas. She was so mad, he just wrecked everything! The teacher looked at her and said, "You are afraid of depth."
Misty hadn’t told me this story metaphorically, but when she said that last line, my stomach started to turn, and I sensed God challenging me. Urging me to let down my guard to the people he's placed around me. I also heard a warning, it will be painful at times, to see that ugly black streak across the canvas.
Your wondering how this relates to last weeks meeting..? Adam Nash shared his story last Tuesday night with us. He told us memories from his childhood, and parts of his life growing up -a rambunctious pastors kid. I was struck by his transparency. He said he had no regrets ("well, maybe one", he admitted), because his experiences and even mistakes have lead him down the path to where he is today, shaped him into the person he is now. He talked about his relationship with his father and a common trend all through growing up of seeking approval from his dad. Adam didn’t sugar coat his story for us, he pretty much laid it all out there before us...I guess he was willing to risk our Judgment, fair or unfair.
Vulnerability still causes me a fair amount of discomfort. However I long to have texture and depth in my life. I want to learn to respond out of love, and not fear or lies. Community has brought me to a place where I am utterly dependant on God's grace and mercy. I am also left to except the grace of my friends.
Once in a while, I catch a glimpse of this painting being worked on. It’s quite an interesting piece, a reflection of me I hardly recognize. There's still distortion from disproportion, and parts that are almost warped by cynicism. Still, in spite my harsh critique I see something beautiful is emerging. So thank you Adam, your openness has inspired me to continue this pursuit of depth in relationship.
Yours truly,
Tessa
"I will give thanks to your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness, because your promises are backed up by the honor of your name. When I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me the strength I need...don't abandon me, for you made me." Psalm 138: 2,3 & 8
Monday, March 16, 2009
Fire for the year (Living in the wake).
I'm sitting across the street from a blinky-light vacancy sign. It's 1:12 and 7C. The sound of the pastry refrigerator cycles a reciprocating humdrum to accompany our books and tea, laptops and coffee. My mind crawls backward, through a tunnel of days gone by. The week that Mr. Mumby came to town was a slow train coming.
Coming together weekly bonds us. Lately we've engaged in collective silence for a couple hours. But Kayle Mumby came, a wandering vagabond, to break the silence. He spoke of angels, a pillar of fire in his back yard, the urgency of Truth, and our responsibility to be agents of justice in this world. We sat and took it all in, deciphering meanings of words, and weighing the rational with faith.
The angel said, "Fresh fire!!! fresh fire!!! fresh fire!!! Tell the people!” He motions with his index finger rigid. “Tell the people, the fire may seem to be withdrawing. But it only withdraws under the door to collect itself, as in a back draft. Do not lose hope. This year it will explode out, and the door will be destroyed. There’s oil in the fire.”
There was a tension in the air. How does one receive a prophetic message? Some of us have had experiences in the charismatic church, which now leave us disillusioned. Some of us come from more stoic upbringings, so some prophetic words sound very weird. But all pasts aside, the message was sure, and simple. What are we to contest in the encouragement from a friend? He says, “I travel around the world, telling people about you; that you lay down your lives for each other.” Those words are not the kind that one plays fast and loose with. It’s quite a thing to say about a group of people. I immediately felt, that I do not live up to such a statement. But who decides? Am I to bring all my energies to bear on my friend, convincing him that I surely am a wretch? That we are hardly worthy of such praise? Since these words were spoken in our hearing, I’ve been looking for their fulfillment from friends around me, and not been disappointed in the least. So then, together, we wait for the fire.
More words, “We talk of Faith Hope and Love, but we talk more about faith and love, and hope has just been tagging along. Friends, keep hoping.” In a place of stalled momentum, these words were fresh water in the desert. In the past, we’ve shared our individual ideas of what “The Project” is actually about. We are as yet unclear as to what this will become, or grow into. But we don’t speak as much anymore about what may or may not be. Instead, our meetings are located in the moment, curious, looking after one another, listening to one another, opening our ears to The Spirit. We pursue obedience without clinging to the results.
In particular Kayle spoke of our duty as Christians to do the work of The Kingdom of God. He mentioned abortion and human trafficking as two key issues that burn inside him. I think this is part of the tension experienced that night… How do you respond when someone you respect challenges you with uncomfortable realities? How do we respond to Reality/Truth, with all its inconveniences? It’s less painful, seemingly less costly to turn the T.V. on and forget about all that.
Surely we don’t pursue such a close quarters living arrangement at the Atangard because it is convenient. It could be fun, and relatively cheap, and maybe original, but it won’t often be convenient. Are we trying to prove something? Well, this is a question I leave unanswered. You may even protest my asking it. But my brother, my sister, regardless if our motives are pure or tainted, our vision distorted, here is our hope: this is not our Project, it is Jesus’.
Speaking for myself, Kayle’s coming and going was a catalyst. Four weeks later, I’m living in the wake of that week. Some people resonate with such Truth, that if you merely brush shoulders with them, even for a moment, you can’t help but be changed for the better.
Coming together weekly bonds us. Lately we've engaged in collective silence for a couple hours. But Kayle Mumby came, a wandering vagabond, to break the silence. He spoke of angels, a pillar of fire in his back yard, the urgency of Truth, and our responsibility to be agents of justice in this world. We sat and took it all in, deciphering meanings of words, and weighing the rational with faith.
The angel said, "Fresh fire!!! fresh fire!!! fresh fire!!! Tell the people!” He motions with his index finger rigid. “Tell the people, the fire may seem to be withdrawing. But it only withdraws under the door to collect itself, as in a back draft. Do not lose hope. This year it will explode out, and the door will be destroyed. There’s oil in the fire.”
There was a tension in the air. How does one receive a prophetic message? Some of us have had experiences in the charismatic church, which now leave us disillusioned. Some of us come from more stoic upbringings, so some prophetic words sound very weird. But all pasts aside, the message was sure, and simple. What are we to contest in the encouragement from a friend? He says, “I travel around the world, telling people about you; that you lay down your lives for each other.” Those words are not the kind that one plays fast and loose with. It’s quite a thing to say about a group of people. I immediately felt, that I do not live up to such a statement. But who decides? Am I to bring all my energies to bear on my friend, convincing him that I surely am a wretch? That we are hardly worthy of such praise? Since these words were spoken in our hearing, I’ve been looking for their fulfillment from friends around me, and not been disappointed in the least. So then, together, we wait for the fire.
More words, “We talk of Faith Hope and Love, but we talk more about faith and love, and hope has just been tagging along. Friends, keep hoping.” In a place of stalled momentum, these words were fresh water in the desert. In the past, we’ve shared our individual ideas of what “The Project” is actually about. We are as yet unclear as to what this will become, or grow into. But we don’t speak as much anymore about what may or may not be. Instead, our meetings are located in the moment, curious, looking after one another, listening to one another, opening our ears to The Spirit. We pursue obedience without clinging to the results.
In particular Kayle spoke of our duty as Christians to do the work of The Kingdom of God. He mentioned abortion and human trafficking as two key issues that burn inside him. I think this is part of the tension experienced that night… How do you respond when someone you respect challenges you with uncomfortable realities? How do we respond to Reality/Truth, with all its inconveniences? It’s less painful, seemingly less costly to turn the T.V. on and forget about all that.
Surely we don’t pursue such a close quarters living arrangement at the Atangard because it is convenient. It could be fun, and relatively cheap, and maybe original, but it won’t often be convenient. Are we trying to prove something? Well, this is a question I leave unanswered. You may even protest my asking it. But my brother, my sister, regardless if our motives are pure or tainted, our vision distorted, here is our hope: this is not our Project, it is Jesus’.
Speaking for myself, Kayle’s coming and going was a catalyst. Four weeks later, I’m living in the wake of that week. Some people resonate with such Truth, that if you merely brush shoulders with them, even for a moment, you can’t help but be changed for the better.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Time to reconsider
Dear friends of atangard community project.
I hope that everyone has had as nice of a break as I have these last weeks. The question comes up about resuming meetings. I am a little hesitant to do that. Its not that they haven't been good and valuable, but it seems time that the doing needs to become more closely associated with the talking. We are not ready to start working in the building yet - this is one aspect of applying our "talk", but it goes beyond the building to many areas and topics which over the last months we have discussed and analyzed. It seems as though we have allowed an area of strength to become a weakness.
We started meeting weekly during a time of fasting and prayer for the project. These were some of the foundational times with each other as well as with the Lord. We cannot recreate what was, but there is a need to come back to a focus. There is a need for people to spend their personal time with God so that our meetings can be an overflow of that, as well as our lives reflection of our hearts.
In my readings these verses stood out in regards to us. I encourage you to read them in full specifically Isaiah 58.
Isaiah 58:2
For day after day they seem eager to seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways...
58:12
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
58:13b
if you honor it(the day of the Lord) by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the Lord.
2 Cor 12:6
Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say.
What I am proposing is that we come together once again, but this time, lets omit all speech.
Come Tuesday Jan 13 - Not Wednesday. (My shift was changed)
From 7pm - 9pm, we will be there, plan to spend time quietly seeking God however that looks to you.
We will not have coffee or goodies or tea, maybe water. I would consider this time together a fast in some sense. And I feel that to corperately debrief afterwards would disqualify the effort.
Please respect the silence during this alloted time. Please forward this to people who i may have missed or whose addresses i do not have.
Thanks guys.
Sophie
I hope that everyone has had as nice of a break as I have these last weeks. The question comes up about resuming meetings. I am a little hesitant to do that. Its not that they haven't been good and valuable, but it seems time that the doing needs to become more closely associated with the talking. We are not ready to start working in the building yet - this is one aspect of applying our "talk", but it goes beyond the building to many areas and topics which over the last months we have discussed and analyzed. It seems as though we have allowed an area of strength to become a weakness.
We started meeting weekly during a time of fasting and prayer for the project. These were some of the foundational times with each other as well as with the Lord. We cannot recreate what was, but there is a need to come back to a focus. There is a need for people to spend their personal time with God so that our meetings can be an overflow of that, as well as our lives reflection of our hearts.
In my readings these verses stood out in regards to us. I encourage you to read them in full specifically Isaiah 58.
Isaiah 58:2
For day after day they seem eager to seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways...
58:12
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
58:13b
if you honor it(the day of the Lord) by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the Lord.
2 Cor 12:6
Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say.
What I am proposing is that we come together once again, but this time, lets omit all speech.
Come Tuesday Jan 13 - Not Wednesday. (My shift was changed)
From 7pm - 9pm, we will be there, plan to spend time quietly seeking God however that looks to you.
We will not have coffee or goodies or tea, maybe water. I would consider this time together a fast in some sense. And I feel that to corperately debrief afterwards would disqualify the effort.
Please respect the silence during this alloted time. Please forward this to people who i may have missed or whose addresses i do not have.
Thanks guys.
Sophie
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