Rubbermaid to Recycling - Reflections on Repentance and Righteousness

The rumble of voices started to grow from room 200 as people arrived for the weekly gathering. I had come early to Atangard to do a walk around, to see progress, to look at how the building was being redeemed and reinvented. As people entered the room, opinions, ideas, stories, and good humor floated in a delta of directions. Then when it was time, there was call to attention as Sophie spoke. She called us to focus our thoughts in prayer, to be centered. Prayers erupted like popcorn kernels on a hot skillet. And then it happened; just as spontaneously as the other prayers—Debbie spoke about a beating in her heart—and we were centered, the flow was focused.

Debbie shared of her walk earlier that day. Her steps around the garbage cans set out for weekly pic up seemed to jump out at her more than the usual. I don’t know the intricacies of how it all works but it seemed that Holy Spirit was speaking to her, breathing on her, and allowing her to be “inspired” beyond rubermaid containers.

The implications had gravity as she shared the depth of the metaphor in detail. “Everyone has trash, and there it is on display for everyone to see.” The allusion was fittingly paired with brokenness and sin in our lives. Debbie described how some had bins that were sealed tight so that no one could pry—unless of course they were authorized by personal attachment or occupation. Also, she highlighted a bag that sat beside the trash cans, it was a bag of seemingly noble origins and was clear so that the contents could be seen. Ready to be recycled, acceptable bits and pieces were tied in these bags. Debbie called these the bag of socially acceptable brokenness.

“Jesus, wants to help us with our trash and recycling. It is all bad.” I could feel that Debbie was hitting a nerve. Comments started to trickle from those sitting in our odd shaped circle. I looked at the wall wondering what was to come. Would the room burst out in confession like I have seen at campfires or at charismatic alter calls. Would the freshly stripped floor be anointed with tears? Or would it flow more civilly, one confessing to another like a parishioner to the priest?

I took a few deep breaths. What is my garbage? What is my brokenness? What is my need? Are these my friends, my brothers, and my sisters worthy of being given the place of Mother or Father (priest)? We are of course a priesthood of all believers? (I may be ripping that out of context, but it fits within the biblical historical role of a priest - to go on behalf of the people to God for forgiveness of sins)

Confession and confrontation became a topic instead of an act. It was dissected and discussed rather than displayed. Someone voiced that fact and the comment left the room in silent decision. The pondering was then interrupted by vocal inspiration of one, and verbal processing of another. The decision was made. The trash although there was not being sorted tonight. The lid was being kept on for another maybe more unofficial time. Confrontation was talked more about than confession, and the popcorn began to fly as conversation shifted from internal personal renovation to the practical task at hand.

It wasn’t that we didn’t want to engage with the messy process of confession and repentance. And I don’t think that tonight was necessarily the time or the place. We are in process. We are in the liminal place of transition from cleaning and tearing out to installing, painting and moving in. All this takes time - He has patience. The rooms are waiting - He is our helper, We are broken - He is a skilled carpenter and has been broken and poured out for us.

I left in the midst of a few lingerers that conversed about life and plans for the future. I was refreshed and challenged by the meeting. The night called me to present my heart before the One who made it. Maybe this needs to happen first before we present ourselves to each other in a corporate confessional way.

Community happens at many levels, sizes, and structures. The thoughts and ideas of others led me to think that community is often reflective and related to the depth of our relationships (Communion). As well, I was reminded of a specific communion time shared a few years ago. It was focused on Psalm 23:5 - You prepare for me a table in the presence of my enemies.
The liturgy highlighted that we approach the table with both enemies within as well as external threats and dangers. There were masks surrounding the table decorated and labeled with the seven deadly sins. We all wear these masks at one point or another. They seem to be daily decisional breakdowns that we use as security for us - void fillers- garbage from the house of our heart.

In the midst of this our Shepherd sets a table. The invitation is multifaceted. We identify that we are the enemy as much as we have enemies. We are invited to step into love, repentance, redemption, and reconciliation. We are invited to move outside of our masks and eat and drink with the one who was broken and poured out so that we could be whole - so that we can “dwell in the house of the Lord forever” (Ps 23:6) So that we can be shaped as a living stone mortared along with our brothers and sisters, trusting them as mothers and fathers, being the potential that rests in the treasure of the kingdom that lies beyond the confessional booth.

And yet the masks remain, garbage collects, a daily choice, a momentary option. Take hope, He is there waiting at the table.
Adam Nash

Hungry

This weeks meeting was the second meeting at our long awaited prayer request, the project. But now that it is in progress I have felt that the prayer requests are different, at least for me. There are not huge road blocks stopping us from the renovation process. With the renovations happening there came ideas, concerns and logistics to discuss. After that business was tended to Sophie expressed her concern about not letting the project become an identity. It is not meant to glorify yourself, or give you identification but it is a common goal our community shares. There has been many people giving their time and energy to renovations. There are some that have been blessed with free schedules, there are others that slot their time in between their work elsewhere. This makes the atangard truly a community project.

Dave Gug spoke about love, in order to give love you must first be able to receive it. Worldly love is not enough there is a void that still needs to be filled. Debbie and Dave Suderman shared about their experience when their marriage began. Getting married was very exciting and busy for them and when the wedding was over they had an awakening. The void they thought was easily filled turned out to be something that was designed to be filled by the Lord not each other.


Sometimes I can go from friend to friend to boyfriend seeing how much one can contribute to my void. I can honestly say I am completely happy with my incredible boyfriend who compliments me very well. My friends add to my happiness but being wonderful listeners and laughing at my jokes. My community makes me feel loved and included. But in the midst of all my happiness I don't feel completely full. It's like going to bed hungry, you try to sleep but your stomach growls and your thoughts float from nachos to a fruit smoothie. It's an urge that doesn't want to be ignored, you can sleep it off but it will stay on your mind until it has been satisfied. Hungry, I come to you for I know you satisfy.

Jainee

Painting My Own Discomfort

Why would anybody want to live in community? I’ve been asking myself this a lot lately. My life is full. Full to the rim with relationships, miscommunications, companionship, suffocation, hospitality and anxiety. I can't count the sleepless nights, playing and re-playing situations. Frustrated by people, frustrated by my reactions to people.

Reflecting on last weeks meeting, I ponder which direction to go with this posting. Where is the community at right now?

I want to be truthful. I’m learning that holding anxiety and conflict inside can be poison to the human body , to the mind and to relationships. There is something exceptionally healing in the safety of a listener, a sounding board, someone who can relate.

There are things inside of me that grip me with fear. Lies I believe. Maybe my parents believe them, maybe even my grandparents.

Community has caused me a lot of tension. There have been times, that my conveniently buried mess, the ugly stuff no ones supposed to see or know about, has come uncontrollably spewing out of me! This has left me embarrassingly exposed before my friends. Will they accept me..or reject me?

There are plenty of personalities floating around, prying and irking, curious little creatures, eager for intimacy. I instinctively take my Q, and slip into self preservation mode.

A friend shared a story with me: She was commissioned to do a painting. She worked on it faithfully in her art class. Her art teacher took a keen interest in her success as well. Each time she thought she was finished, the teacher would encourage her to keep working at it. There was always something to be tweaked. Finally, she was sure the painting was complete. The teacher came up behind her, looked at the painting and proceeded to paint a big black streak across the canvas. She was so mad, he just wrecked everything! The teacher looked at her and said, "You are afraid of depth."

Misty hadn’t told me this story metaphorically, but when she said that last line, my stomach started to turn, and I sensed God challenging me. Urging me to let down my guard to the people he's placed around me. I also heard a warning, it will be painful at times, to see that ugly black streak across the canvas.

Your wondering how this relates to last weeks meeting..? Adam Nash shared his story last Tuesday night with us. He told us memories from his childhood, and parts of his life growing up -a rambunctious pastors kid. I was struck by his transparency. He said he had no regrets ("well, maybe one", he admitted), because his experiences and even mistakes have lead him down the path to where he is today, shaped him into the person he is now. He talked about his relationship with his father and a common trend all through growing up of seeking approval from his dad. Adam didn’t sugar coat his story for us, he pretty much laid it all out there before us...I guess he was willing to risk our Judgment, fair or unfair.

Vulnerability still causes me a fair amount of discomfort. However I long to have texture and depth in my life. I want to learn to respond out of love, and not fear or lies. Community has brought me to a place where I am utterly dependant on God's grace and mercy. I am also left to except the grace of my friends.
Once in a while, I catch a glimpse of this painting being worked on. It’s quite an interesting piece, a reflection of me I hardly recognize. There's still distortion from disproportion, and parts that are almost warped by cynicism. Still, in spite my harsh critique I see something beautiful is emerging. So thank you Adam, your openness has inspired me to continue this pursuit of depth in relationship.
Yours truly,
Tessa

"I will give thanks to your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness, because your promises are backed up by the honor of your name. When I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me the strength I need...don't abandon me, for you made me." Psalm 138: 2,3 & 8

Fire for the year (Living in the wake).

I'm sitting across the street from a blinky-light vacancy sign. It's 1:12 and 7C. The sound of the pastry refrigerator cycles a reciprocating humdrum to accompany our books and tea, laptops and coffee. My mind crawls backward, through a tunnel of days gone by. The week that Mr. Mumby came to town was a slow train coming.

Coming together weekly bonds us. Lately we've engaged in collective silence for a couple hours. But Kayle Mumby came, a wandering vagabond, to break the silence. He spoke of angels, a pillar of fire in his back yard, the urgency of Truth, and our responsibility to be agents of justice in this world. We sat and took it all in, deciphering meanings of words, and weighing the rational with faith.

The angel said, "Fresh fire!!! fresh fire!!! fresh fire!!! Tell the people!” He motions with his index finger rigid. “Tell the people, the fire may seem to be withdrawing. But it only withdraws under the door to collect itself, as in a back draft. Do not lose hope. This year it will explode out, and the door will be destroyed. There’s oil in the fire.”

There was a tension in the air. How does one receive a prophetic message? Some of us have had experiences in the charismatic church, which now leave us disillusioned. Some of us come from more stoic upbringings, so some prophetic words sound very weird. But all pasts aside, the message was sure, and simple. What are we to contest in the encouragement from a friend? He says, “I travel around the world, telling people about you; that you lay down your lives for each other.” Those words are not the kind that one plays fast and loose with. It’s quite a thing to say about a group of people. I immediately felt, that I do not live up to such a statement. But who decides? Am I to bring all my energies to bear on my friend, convincing him that I surely am a wretch? That we are hardly worthy of such praise? Since these words were spoken in our hearing, I’ve been looking for their fulfillment from friends around me, and not been disappointed in the least. So then, together, we wait for the fire.

More words, “We talk of Faith Hope and Love, but we talk more about faith and love, and hope has just been tagging along. Friends, keep hoping.” In a place of stalled momentum, these words were fresh water in the desert. In the past, we’ve shared our individual ideas of what “The Project” is actually about. We are as yet unclear as to what this will become, or grow into. But we don’t speak as much anymore about what may or may not be. Instead, our meetings are located in the moment, curious, looking after one another, listening to one another, opening our ears to The Spirit. We pursue obedience without clinging to the results.

In particular Kayle spoke of our duty as Christians to do the work of The Kingdom of God. He mentioned abortion and human trafficking as two key issues that burn inside him. I think this is part of the tension experienced that night… How do you respond when someone you respect challenges you with uncomfortable realities? How do we respond to Reality/Truth, with all its inconveniences? It’s less painful, seemingly less costly to turn the T.V. on and forget about all that.

Surely we don’t pursue such a close quarters living arrangement at the Atangard because it is convenient. It could be fun, and relatively cheap, and maybe original, but it won’t often be convenient. Are we trying to prove something? Well, this is a question I leave unanswered. You may even protest my asking it. But my brother, my sister, regardless if our motives are pure or tainted, our vision distorted, here is our hope: this is not our Project, it is Jesus’.

Speaking for myself, Kayle’s coming and going was a catalyst. Four weeks later, I’m living in the wake of that week. Some people resonate with such Truth, that if you merely brush shoulders with them, even for a moment, you can’t help but be changed for the better.

Time to reconsider

Dear friends of atangard community project.

I hope that everyone has had as nice of a break as I have these last weeks. The question comes up about resuming meetings. I am a little hesitant to do that. Its not that they haven't been good and valuable, but it seems time that the doing needs to become more closely associated with the talking. We are not ready to start working in the building yet - this is one aspect of applying our "talk", but it goes beyond the building to many areas and topics which over the last months we have discussed and analyzed. It seems as though we have allowed an area of strength to become a weakness.

We started meeting weekly during a time of fasting and prayer for the project. These were some of the foundational times with each other as well as with the Lord. We cannot recreate what was, but there is a need to come back to a focus. There is a need for people to spend their personal time with God so that our meetings can be an overflow of that, as well as our lives reflection of our hearts.

In my readings these verses stood out in regards to us. I encourage you to read them in full specifically Isaiah 58.
Isaiah 58:2
For day after day they seem eager to seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways...
58:12
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
58:13b
if you honor it(the day of the Lord) by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the Lord.
2 Cor 12:6
Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say.

What I am proposing is that we come together once again, but this time, lets omit all speech.
Come Tuesday Jan 13 - Not Wednesday. (My shift was changed)
From 7pm - 9pm, we will be there, plan to spend time quietly seeking God however that looks to you.
We will not have coffee or goodies or tea, maybe water. I would consider this time together a fast in some sense. And I feel that to corperately debrief afterwards would disqualify the effort.
Please respect the silence during this alloted time. Please forward this to people who i may have missed or whose addresses i do not have.

Thanks guys.
Sophie

What Are We?

The Wednesday meetings are good. I didnt regret a moment spent listening to Dave tell us of his life, the small things and the big things that have shaped who he is and how he came to now reside amongst us. Yet, somehow things have changed from when we first began meeting in the evening last spring. Perhaps it is the desperation that has dissipated as we feel more confident of our success or maybe the increase in attendees that makes each of us feel less alone in this massive undertaking or it is just the comfort of routine and familiarity of friends. Whatever the cause, the change has been almost entirely positive except for one thing; we had reached a plateau of vision.

So much of the past year was spent envisioning how to implement this plan of renovation. The paperwork, the endless meetings and the need to have our ideas accepted by so many different interests took its proper toll and some felt overwhelmed by responsibility while others felt unprepared or helpless as to how their contribution could be of any use. Many hands make light work, but too many cooks in the kitchen can spoil the broth. So we needed to find the balance of responsibility and a renewal of the vision, which is why a Thursday night meeting was called. A different night in a different location with a focus of vision might be just what we needed to move beyond the plateau.

Below I quote the ideas/thoughts/feelings/visions of those that spoke at the meeting as well as some replies to the things that they said. Some are exactly the words that poured past their lips, while others are more succinct interpretations of the paragraphs or concepts that were spoken. No conclusions were achieved at this meeting; neither was it the beginning of new ideals; rather it was the voicing of those aspirations we have always had and the concerns over how best to achieve them.

This [meeting] is neither the beginning nor the climax of all our planning, only a point on the path toward a goal - Heidi

We want to support people in the community enabling them to achieve their goals, dreams and aspirations. - Sophie

We are powerless... What does a spirit of boldness look like in a life dedicated to non-violence and humility? - Dave V

In a community our mistakes destroy more... but less completely, while our individual innovations can be lifted beyond what could ever be achieved alone. - Tessa

Need to talk about our goals that arrived at dead-ends because that is where we have learned the most. - Dan

We must take care of those with vision. - Dave V

This [community] can not be "maybe your passion", it must necessarily be your passions shared. - Tiff

Leaders must give up control and followers must take up responsibility.... that is the definition of community. - Dan

Mark your skills and serve in them, but understand your weaknesses and let God work through you in them. - Dan

Poverty does not necessarily mean humility; pride can still hide in dirty rags, but it is much harder to reach out to someone from a place of privilege. - Jim

We need a group of us to commit to daily pray together. - Heidi

We dont want to make people more like us, we want to make us like more people. - Beth M

There is a difference between living vicariously through others versus enabling other to do the things that you can not. - Dan

The community needs the support of people on the outside because they bring enriching nourishment to an ecosystem that would otherwise be self contained. - Jordan

Leaders need support as much as they need followers. - Carmen

We must understand that once we open the ecosystem, we could potentially lose the very things that gave it life. - Mark

People must be allowed to be committed to things that are not directly part of the community. - Jordan

Are we willing to commit to something beyond ourselves.... a commitment that has no time limit? - Dan

There is a specialness in being together, but even more in loving someone who is away, whose return is anticipated. - Dave S

There are different levels of investment. - Jim

Not everyone will or must feel that change is necessary. - Mark

Stop focusing on what we need and instead work toward giving away what we want. - Alie

Focus on serving God instead of on ways to serve God. - Beth A

Our dreams limit what God has in store for us. - Dan



As a conclusion I have tried to write a statement of vision that perhaps encapsulates that which is of central importance to the community. It excludes many aspects but I believe that it captures much of the vision of the Atangard Society; Hospitality and Community.

The Atangard Society is an organization that pursues building an infrastructure of hospitality, creating a physical space and an organizational framework to allow us to direct people to the help that they need.


- dan

Atangard In Da News.