2 Weeks.
Till the first phase moves into atangard.
The building.
2 Years.
Almost to the day, that this project was initiated.
2 Hot.
Outside this week.
2 Many answered prayers.
For me to deny that God really is faithful. I remember one meeting probably over a year ago where we looked at the story of the Isrealites escaping Egypt. The Lord, delivering these people from a life of slavery, performing miracle upon miracle, and it would seem that the Isrealites would almost instantly forget the Lords provision, and start to worry and complain...worry and complain..doubt and worry...complain. Mom talked about building a monument to remind us of the miracles, so we would never forget.
2 different temperatures.
..Coming out of the fosits at atangard, but not together. plumbing needs repair, and its a messy situation with years of (fill in the blank) patch up jobs.
2 be afraid.
The unknown stares us in the face and paralizes us. I have these feelings sometimes...they are fearful ones. They visit a lot of us and can cause us to loose hope, or sanity...or sleep or all of the above. They are not from God. How do I know what is from God? And what is reason or practicality or caution? What THOUGHTS (fears) do I tolerate and entertain? As a human, I like something tangable. Why do i forget the bible so easily?
2 entertain 2 long.
I may start to believe the lies. If I believe that God desires me (us) to do greater things then He did on earth, thats going to take a lot of faith. (our battles not against flesh and blood (" "))
2 be authentic.
I don't want to pretend. I also don't want to stay in the same place for the rest of my life. stagnancy is sad and boring if you desire to grow up. ..and frustrating as hell.
2 arrive.
That would be nice.
2 build a monument.
A mental monument perhaps? A memory that is in my heart. Of God putting a dream in his childrens hearts and then, in His wisdom and timing, carrying it out to fruition. And using the different gift and abilities of a bunch of underqualified, unexperienced, some very uneduacted, frightened, willing, generous, driven, modivated people, who were hungry for change...to do you know what...or maybe you don't, im not sure I know...(but He will not delay). I don't believe that God would bring us to the point of birth and not deliver.
2 Partner with Christ.
To have Christ as a partner? Like a real relationship? We would do stuff together? Make dicisions together? I'de have to really trust Him. and know Him, Ide have to want to spend a lot of time getting to know Him.
2 have "Half baked" next to you when you wake up.
Our little ceramic owl friend was designed in a way that makes him look a little stoned, as his eyes are half shut. We filled him with coffee grinds and his little twin has a flourishing peppermint plant growing from him. They will be moving with us into the atangard.
2 be content but not complacient.
2 learn to spell.
2 learn to love God.
2 enjoy life.
2 be thankful.
Today I want to simply remember what kind of God I serve. Faithful one.Trustworthy. Fearless. All knowing. Compassionate. passionate. generous. Extravagent. powerful. Dependable. Merciful. Gentle.
1cor 2:9 (scattered all through out my journal over the years, I think i was trying to make myself believe that life one day would be exciting)
Tess
Friday, July 31, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
On My Birthday
It is my birthday, so perhaps that is the reason for my nostalgia, but I miss those days which will never be again.... the days of anticipation for a time we thought would never come and now we are so close I can taste it. Memories of huddled bodies in the Deck, knee to knee, speaking of life in ernest tones, laughing long, pouring out our souls before God and man...... Things I use to dream about are becoming my waking days and etherial visions are becoming tangible realities. As much as I relish this new found concreteness to the vision, I miss the last two years of plans and prayers, conversations and consultations.
I remember people who have flowed through our lives as supporters and constructive critics telling us the should's and shouldn'ts .... sometimes we listened taking their comments to heart; holding them molding them until we understood what it would take to do this. The Others' we considered thoughtfully and thoroughly and then with a resounding "We shall overcome!".... overcame, but not on our strength alone.
Many hands make light work and they have, as people invested in rebuilding this place they were also developing community and a sense of place. Whether they live at the Atangard or not they have spent a part of themselves here and it will always remain with them and them in it. They will always be welcome because they have never really left.
The cost has been great... I know this especially for Dave and Sophia and the entire Suderman family. Our lives are short and how we invest the time we have is important, I am glad they have decided to invest it here. I am happy to invest with them as much as I can and I thank God frequently and vehemently that I can count them as friends. The people in this world as amazing as them are few..... So few in fact that it is a wonder that this project is surrounded by so many like minds, like spirits; and each new person I meet adds to the sum of the parts exponentially more than they could alone. The building is already physically more magnificent than I had imagined before we started it's transformation and though I do not know what the community will look like, if the renovation is any indication it will be more than my words here could describe.
dan
I remember people who have flowed through our lives as supporters and constructive critics telling us the should's and shouldn'ts .... sometimes we listened taking their comments to heart; holding them molding them until we understood what it would take to do this. The Others' we considered thoughtfully and thoroughly and then with a resounding "We shall overcome!".... overcame, but not on our strength alone.
Many hands make light work and they have, as people invested in rebuilding this place they were also developing community and a sense of place. Whether they live at the Atangard or not they have spent a part of themselves here and it will always remain with them and them in it. They will always be welcome because they have never really left.
The cost has been great... I know this especially for Dave and Sophia and the entire Suderman family. Our lives are short and how we invest the time we have is important, I am glad they have decided to invest it here. I am happy to invest with them as much as I can and I thank God frequently and vehemently that I can count them as friends. The people in this world as amazing as them are few..... So few in fact that it is a wonder that this project is surrounded by so many like minds, like spirits; and each new person I meet adds to the sum of the parts exponentially more than they could alone. The building is already physically more magnificent than I had imagined before we started it's transformation and though I do not know what the community will look like, if the renovation is any indication it will be more than my words here could describe.
dan
An excerpt from my personal journal...
Ok, no one else is posting so it's me again...you're just all going to have to deal with it :)
So it seems to me, through different conversations I've had with people and my own experience, that some of us are going through a time of difficulty, darkness, death (or whatever other d-word you want to insert here). I wanted to share a portion of a journal entry that, perhaps, is a relevant reflection (no juicy self-disclosures...too bad). So here it is:
"So many of us are in darkness, hiding from ourselves, hiding from others. We just can't handle seeing ourselves honestly. But as we fight this exposure, this dissolving of the character that we've pretended to be, you absorb the blows of our monsters as you continue to woo our vulnerable souls. You continue to invite that simple playful child into the light of the world.
We have to listen to that invitation over and above the many voices around us that say that our souls are not welcome in this world, the voices that say it is not Ok to be as we are. Jesus, enable us to hear your song and for our souls to respond and burst forth into the glorious light.
As the cross represents the full-extent of our ego's activities, our fears, our self-protection that ends up doing violence to others, so the resurrection represents the soul's, the child's victorious entrance into the world. That after all of our violence, all of our rejection of love, all of our reliance on our own self-protection, all of our pride, after all of this, the resurrection declares that despite all, he has still chosen to welcome the soul into the world. As the cross represents the painful death of our own efforts, the death of our images, our self-righteousness, so the resurrection represents the coming to life of that which is deepest within us, the glorious deliverance into a place where we are finally free to live as we've longed to live, beyond the fears and restrictions that lock up the soul.
But the cross precedes the resurrection so that we might know that we did not attain this through our own efforts, that we might experience the full-extent of His love. The full extent of His love was shown at the cross because it was in the midst of the full-extent of our violence. Jesus knows that we will only be able to rest in His love when we experience first our crosses then our resurrection. We can rest because we know that all we did was sin and the gift was still given to us. So often we can't rest in the love of those around us because we know that we have earned it, or manipulated it. Jesus is wise in allowing us to come to the end of our ability to manipulate his love--and He does this for our sake, so that we might rest deeply in him, finally relax in love."
Anyway, there it is...a short, as always, reflection that may or may not make sense.
Mark
So it seems to me, through different conversations I've had with people and my own experience, that some of us are going through a time of difficulty, darkness, death (or whatever other d-word you want to insert here). I wanted to share a portion of a journal entry that, perhaps, is a relevant reflection (no juicy self-disclosures...too bad). So here it is:
"So many of us are in darkness, hiding from ourselves, hiding from others. We just can't handle seeing ourselves honestly. But as we fight this exposure, this dissolving of the character that we've pretended to be, you absorb the blows of our monsters as you continue to woo our vulnerable souls. You continue to invite that simple playful child into the light of the world.
We have to listen to that invitation over and above the many voices around us that say that our souls are not welcome in this world, the voices that say it is not Ok to be as we are. Jesus, enable us to hear your song and for our souls to respond and burst forth into the glorious light.
As the cross represents the full-extent of our ego's activities, our fears, our self-protection that ends up doing violence to others, so the resurrection represents the soul's, the child's victorious entrance into the world. That after all of our violence, all of our rejection of love, all of our reliance on our own self-protection, all of our pride, after all of this, the resurrection declares that despite all, he has still chosen to welcome the soul into the world. As the cross represents the painful death of our own efforts, the death of our images, our self-righteousness, so the resurrection represents the coming to life of that which is deepest within us, the glorious deliverance into a place where we are finally free to live as we've longed to live, beyond the fears and restrictions that lock up the soul.
But the cross precedes the resurrection so that we might know that we did not attain this through our own efforts, that we might experience the full-extent of His love. The full extent of His love was shown at the cross because it was in the midst of the full-extent of our violence. Jesus knows that we will only be able to rest in His love when we experience first our crosses then our resurrection. We can rest because we know that all we did was sin and the gift was still given to us. So often we can't rest in the love of those around us because we know that we have earned it, or manipulated it. Jesus is wise in allowing us to come to the end of our ability to manipulate his love--and He does this for our sake, so that we might rest deeply in him, finally relax in love."
Anyway, there it is...a short, as always, reflection that may or may not make sense.
Mark
Saturday, June 6, 2009
A lengthy reflection from Taize
Last Saturday evening I was playing at a Taize service at the Abbey and a metaphor struck me deeply that I wanted to share. I was struck with the beauty that emerges when we listen to each other. My experience playing with Taize has been one where each person serves the other and gives the other an opportunity to let their instrument sing out. The violin will be highlighted in one verse and then pull back and support the other musicians. The music will build and the trumpet will give it energy. Then the musicians pull back and the song ends with the delicate harp and guitar. Each instrument has value and allows the other instruments to shine in the way that only that instrument can shine.
This struck me as a metaphor for community. Its as if each of us are a particular instrument that was made to contribute to the music in a unique way.
I imagined the kind of sound that would come from a group of musicians who were competing to have their own voice heard. It would become progressively louder and more chaotic, with each musician concerned with how they could shine individually. In this battle to be heard each player might have their own strategies. The trumpets might blare their horns and blame the violins for not being able to make such a powerful sound themselves. They might claim that the violins are not being their true selves and they simply need to play louder so their voice can be heard. The violins might simply stop playing and judge the trumpets for drowning them out. They might claim that the sound of the violin is the measure of all things beautiful and the trumpets are merely being noisy. Perhaps part of why we do this is that we are afraid of the beauty that the other possesses that we do not possess ourselves. The trumpets play loud because they are afraid of the delicate beauty of the violin. The violins stop playing, judge the trumpets, and feel sorry for themselves because the trumpets make a powerful sound that they cannot replicate.
The truth is that we are all guilty. We are all desperately afraid and we respond in ways that damage each other and sacrifice the beauty of the music that we could create together. Each instrument is beautiful and needs to be listened to. In a truly beautiful piece of music, no one steals the show. In all of this, we can either settle for personal glory (or safety) or we could have our deepest yearnings met and be given the gift of love for one another. Jesus understands that we do not trust the other musicians and that there is so much fear. But we can’t go on simply pointing the finger at others and appealing to how we’ve been victimized. Because we all share in this guilt. Both the trumpets and the violins are guilty. The good news is that Jesus has grace for us and he invites us to have grace both for ourselves and for others. He is inviting us to make a sound as a community that is about His glory. Maybe when it is about His glory, we will be able to relax with one another because no one is trying to attain power by diminishing the power of anybody else. Imagine all the instruments letting their voice ring in service to God’s glory, and all the other instruments celebrating together the piece of God that that instrument reflects. All of us adding a unique aspect of glory that needs to be listened to, not competing but humbly serving the song that is about Him and not us.
Mark
This struck me as a metaphor for community. Its as if each of us are a particular instrument that was made to contribute to the music in a unique way.
I imagined the kind of sound that would come from a group of musicians who were competing to have their own voice heard. It would become progressively louder and more chaotic, with each musician concerned with how they could shine individually. In this battle to be heard each player might have their own strategies. The trumpets might blare their horns and blame the violins for not being able to make such a powerful sound themselves. They might claim that the violins are not being their true selves and they simply need to play louder so their voice can be heard. The violins might simply stop playing and judge the trumpets for drowning them out. They might claim that the sound of the violin is the measure of all things beautiful and the trumpets are merely being noisy. Perhaps part of why we do this is that we are afraid of the beauty that the other possesses that we do not possess ourselves. The trumpets play loud because they are afraid of the delicate beauty of the violin. The violins stop playing, judge the trumpets, and feel sorry for themselves because the trumpets make a powerful sound that they cannot replicate.
The truth is that we are all guilty. We are all desperately afraid and we respond in ways that damage each other and sacrifice the beauty of the music that we could create together. Each instrument is beautiful and needs to be listened to. In a truly beautiful piece of music, no one steals the show. In all of this, we can either settle for personal glory (or safety) or we could have our deepest yearnings met and be given the gift of love for one another. Jesus understands that we do not trust the other musicians and that there is so much fear. But we can’t go on simply pointing the finger at others and appealing to how we’ve been victimized. Because we all share in this guilt. Both the trumpets and the violins are guilty. The good news is that Jesus has grace for us and he invites us to have grace both for ourselves and for others. He is inviting us to make a sound as a community that is about His glory. Maybe when it is about His glory, we will be able to relax with one another because no one is trying to attain power by diminishing the power of anybody else. Imagine all the instruments letting their voice ring in service to God’s glory, and all the other instruments celebrating together the piece of God that that instrument reflects. All of us adding a unique aspect of glory that needs to be listened to, not competing but humbly serving the song that is about Him and not us.
Mark
Friday, May 15, 2009
The pain of moving from ideal to reality
I wrote this first with many abstractions and generalities, but then realized that I should add some juicy self-disclosures. I hope you enjoy them.
Thought #1: The pain of walking toward community is the pain of self-revelation. We can maintain an illusion of ourselves and our ability to love so long as we remain distant. Jean Vanier says “While we are alone, we could believe that we loved everyone.” This is the pain of moving from an ideal to reality. It is so easy to speak of the type of person and community that we desire to be when we are not living the reality. I speak far too easily about these things. To actually have those qualities forged in us is not as easy. The desire to love is followed by a process whereby we learn that we suck at loving. Part of the pain is having to be honest with ourselves and honest with others. This is so scary because we discover that we are not who we thought we could be to others. We are not who we thought we had to be in order to be loved by others, and neither are others as we had imagined them to be. I wonder if this movement from the interaction of images to the interaction of textured real people comes with some initial let downs. We have to let go our images, our superficial perfection. But I wonder also if there is a deeper joy found in reality than dreamy ideals.
Thought #2: So often I think that we come together and parade around our best qualities, trying to earn an identity, trying to establish ourselves as worthy and desirable. Yet we compete for people’s praise and affection as if only a few worthy individuals at the top of the social ladder will attain it. I am so guilty of this. So often insecurity drives me to measure my strengths against others weakness. I, for instance, am a better person because I am just so caring, never assert my own needs, and am polite to strangers. But then I see others who are passionate, energetic, and soulful and I am completely intimidated. When they succeed at winning friends and affection, I, in my so called maturity, call their energy superficial, wait for a need that I can nurture, and then I am reestablished as a valuable commodity in the world of identities. This is all really a terrible game. This competition for value brings up in me so many embarrassing internal reactions, so many questions about whether or not I will be loved. It takes away my ability to celebrate those who are beautiful around me.
I really want to internalize the truth that this value and worth that we are fighting over are not scarce resources. I would love to move together to a point where we can expose our monsters and be known because we no longer have to buy value through the presentation of our best qualities. We can finally rest with one another. All of us broken and all of us loved. How refreshing would this be in a culture of idolatry! People who have learned that they are more glorious as human beings full of strength and weakness, full of energy and limitation, than they are as distant images of perfection.
Yours truly,
Mark
Thought #1: The pain of walking toward community is the pain of self-revelation. We can maintain an illusion of ourselves and our ability to love so long as we remain distant. Jean Vanier says “While we are alone, we could believe that we loved everyone.” This is the pain of moving from an ideal to reality. It is so easy to speak of the type of person and community that we desire to be when we are not living the reality. I speak far too easily about these things. To actually have those qualities forged in us is not as easy. The desire to love is followed by a process whereby we learn that we suck at loving. Part of the pain is having to be honest with ourselves and honest with others. This is so scary because we discover that we are not who we thought we could be to others. We are not who we thought we had to be in order to be loved by others, and neither are others as we had imagined them to be. I wonder if this movement from the interaction of images to the interaction of textured real people comes with some initial let downs. We have to let go our images, our superficial perfection. But I wonder also if there is a deeper joy found in reality than dreamy ideals.
Thought #2: So often I think that we come together and parade around our best qualities, trying to earn an identity, trying to establish ourselves as worthy and desirable. Yet we compete for people’s praise and affection as if only a few worthy individuals at the top of the social ladder will attain it. I am so guilty of this. So often insecurity drives me to measure my strengths against others weakness. I, for instance, am a better person because I am just so caring, never assert my own needs, and am polite to strangers. But then I see others who are passionate, energetic, and soulful and I am completely intimidated. When they succeed at winning friends and affection, I, in my so called maturity, call their energy superficial, wait for a need that I can nurture, and then I am reestablished as a valuable commodity in the world of identities. This is all really a terrible game. This competition for value brings up in me so many embarrassing internal reactions, so many questions about whether or not I will be loved. It takes away my ability to celebrate those who are beautiful around me.
I really want to internalize the truth that this value and worth that we are fighting over are not scarce resources. I would love to move together to a point where we can expose our monsters and be known because we no longer have to buy value through the presentation of our best qualities. We can finally rest with one another. All of us broken and all of us loved. How refreshing would this be in a culture of idolatry! People who have learned that they are more glorious as human beings full of strength and weakness, full of energy and limitation, than they are as distant images of perfection.
Yours truly,
Mark
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Community?
this project has become my life over the last while and to some people their only association with who i am. you know that girl whose doing that thing... sometimes i feel like the poster child for community. i feel the pressure to live up to everyones expectations of what that looks like. sometimes i feel like if im not nice enough, friendly enough or happy enough people will walk away saying some community girl she is.
and to this i have two things to say.
one is that, i do not by any means think that i am an example of community. in fact this ambition comes out of an understanding of what i lack. i understand that i am not a very intentional friend maker. that i am not the most outgoing, and that it takes a lot of time and effort to take a friendship past fun and small talk. and in this i recognize the value of living with people. this has seemed to be the atmosphere which often facilitates meaningful relationships with people i otherwise wouldnt have, and often brings issues to the forefront wouldnt have been addressed. it is a place to know people and learn from them.
second thing to say, and somewhat removed from the last statement, is about this buzz word community. sometimes i hate the word and the frequency with which it is thrown around. it is a somewhat ambiguous term. although quite popular among our age group and social genre. some older generations seem confused by the term, or maybe just the way we use it. a local housing professional suggested that we not use the term community living because it is most commonly used for old age homes. more recently i have come across people who are so deeply associated with the concept of community that would fight to keep its definition pure. i have been told on more than one occasion that there is a difference between community and shared housing, and there is no middle ground. to these people community seems to mean that they have found the people they will die with. my distaste for this word is not associated with these diehard covenentals, or the dietrich bonheofers and other authors we've read. i respect these people and their integrity. my discomfort lies in the ease with which it is thrown around maybe between friends, or even within the confines of our tuesday nights. it is the times when this word could just as easily be defined as or replaced with the word club. to me the word community speaks unspecifically of individuals, and more as a place of open doors. a line that is hard to draw although perhaps the foundational people are obvious to place. the references i commonly hear are specific to certain individuals which have by some means attained inside status. these doors are heavy and hard to open.
its kind of an abrupt place to end. i have no conclusion. you may disagree with me. it would be great if you voiced it. leave a comment. it seems that have pointed sharp fingers and admitted to my own accusations. although my own short comings were offered up as the voice of a victim, to you i extend the sword. some community girl she is.
lets drop the facade and stop thinking we're so great. we've got a long ways to go guys, but im glad we're walking this path together.
sophie
and to this i have two things to say.
one is that, i do not by any means think that i am an example of community. in fact this ambition comes out of an understanding of what i lack. i understand that i am not a very intentional friend maker. that i am not the most outgoing, and that it takes a lot of time and effort to take a friendship past fun and small talk. and in this i recognize the value of living with people. this has seemed to be the atmosphere which often facilitates meaningful relationships with people i otherwise wouldnt have, and often brings issues to the forefront wouldnt have been addressed. it is a place to know people and learn from them.
second thing to say, and somewhat removed from the last statement, is about this buzz word community. sometimes i hate the word and the frequency with which it is thrown around. it is a somewhat ambiguous term. although quite popular among our age group and social genre. some older generations seem confused by the term, or maybe just the way we use it. a local housing professional suggested that we not use the term community living because it is most commonly used for old age homes. more recently i have come across people who are so deeply associated with the concept of community that would fight to keep its definition pure. i have been told on more than one occasion that there is a difference between community and shared housing, and there is no middle ground. to these people community seems to mean that they have found the people they will die with. my distaste for this word is not associated with these diehard covenentals, or the dietrich bonheofers and other authors we've read. i respect these people and their integrity. my discomfort lies in the ease with which it is thrown around maybe between friends, or even within the confines of our tuesday nights. it is the times when this word could just as easily be defined as or replaced with the word club. to me the word community speaks unspecifically of individuals, and more as a place of open doors. a line that is hard to draw although perhaps the foundational people are obvious to place. the references i commonly hear are specific to certain individuals which have by some means attained inside status. these doors are heavy and hard to open.
its kind of an abrupt place to end. i have no conclusion. you may disagree with me. it would be great if you voiced it. leave a comment. it seems that have pointed sharp fingers and admitted to my own accusations. although my own short comings were offered up as the voice of a victim, to you i extend the sword. some community girl she is.
lets drop the facade and stop thinking we're so great. we've got a long ways to go guys, but im glad we're walking this path together.
sophie
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Not an Experiment.
For a long time the first description people saw on this blog or on our facebook group was that we were a project - an experiment seeking to live together in community. For as long as that description had been proclaiming itself to the world, I had been feeling slightly uncomfortable with that declaration. Was it that seemed to provide a disclaimer to the end result? If this all crashes and burns - hey, it was just an experiment.
Len, the caretaker of the building responded this way to our wording, "I don't look on it as an experiment, I think it's going to be an interesting change." As we come to the close of our third week of renovations, there are many changes taking place around the building, but perhaps less taking place in us as a community. It is easy to focus on the practical tasks at hand and forget that building relationships with each other is as vital as making this a livable space.
This morning I revisited pre-reno times - a video (posted below) by Sophie Suderman and Samuel Bryce below, part 1 of a documentary on the project. Back then, we just had dreams and words - no paint, no power tools. And some of those words we spoke - I had forgotten. We spoke of sharing our humanity with those around us, that that is the beginning of change.
I am extremely intimidated by the task of loving those around me - first to love them, and then act out this purported feeling is a task I do not feel capable of. Instead of rushing ahead to all out love - perhaps my first step could be to share my humanity. To be open and honest about my struggles and fears regarding this project. In the video, Jim used the word stumbling to describe our journey as a community, a word that equally applies to me. The stumbling itself, is not the problem - it is the unwillingness to share the milestones I reach along the way. Without helping people glimpse the journey as it progresses- the conclusions I arrive at may be so far away from where they last knew me to be - I may have created a divide impossible to span.
An essential and important part of community is difference - but without communication difference can simply becomes division. I don't want this to be true in this project. I want to begin opening up - a messy endeavor to be sure, and one I have failed at miserably in recent months. We still dream and talk (a lot) amongst our renovation work - we talk about an atangard running club, paint colors, reupholstered furniture, an atangard library - but in between those dreams, let us begin attempting more honesty. Let's let our hesitations spill out as we pour primer and our fears as the sawdust fills the air- why we are committed, why we are not - because it is in this openness that our stumbling can draw us together. We will not end up at the same conclusions, but will be richer for glimpsing the journey of those we paint alongside. We will not all stay here - but we all have a hand is its formation.
My fear? Giving in claustrophobia and the overwhemling-ness of living out true community. Drawing inward - retreating to stumble alone, repeating to myself continually that no one understands who I am and what I am staggering through. I am afraid that I will cope by busying myself in the daily work of operating the project and simply fulfilling the commitments I have made out of obligation, until I move on to the next thing, the next place. And then, letting those who are alone or uncomfortable do the same, unsupported - numbing myself to their needs and wants so well, that at some point I will cease to feel bad about it.
My hope? That our different journeys will become the strength behind this project. That we will embrace it not as an experiment, easily dismissed if failed - but as an opportunity to live life in a richer and fuller manner. No matter what this project looks like, it will not be easily controlled and the results not easily qualified - it is a journey, an adventure. I hope that I will stop using distance as my default reaction - I hope that my default reaction will instead become sharing my humanity.
-Beth
Atangard Community Project from Sam Bryce on Vimeo.
Len, the caretaker of the building responded this way to our wording, "I don't look on it as an experiment, I think it's going to be an interesting change." As we come to the close of our third week of renovations, there are many changes taking place around the building, but perhaps less taking place in us as a community. It is easy to focus on the practical tasks at hand and forget that building relationships with each other is as vital as making this a livable space.
This morning I revisited pre-reno times - a video (posted below) by Sophie Suderman and Samuel Bryce below, part 1 of a documentary on the project. Back then, we just had dreams and words - no paint, no power tools. And some of those words we spoke - I had forgotten. We spoke of sharing our humanity with those around us, that that is the beginning of change.
I am extremely intimidated by the task of loving those around me - first to love them, and then act out this purported feeling is a task I do not feel capable of. Instead of rushing ahead to all out love - perhaps my first step could be to share my humanity. To be open and honest about my struggles and fears regarding this project. In the video, Jim used the word stumbling to describe our journey as a community, a word that equally applies to me. The stumbling itself, is not the problem - it is the unwillingness to share the milestones I reach along the way. Without helping people glimpse the journey as it progresses- the conclusions I arrive at may be so far away from where they last knew me to be - I may have created a divide impossible to span.
An essential and important part of community is difference - but without communication difference can simply becomes division. I don't want this to be true in this project. I want to begin opening up - a messy endeavor to be sure, and one I have failed at miserably in recent months. We still dream and talk (a lot) amongst our renovation work - we talk about an atangard running club, paint colors, reupholstered furniture, an atangard library - but in between those dreams, let us begin attempting more honesty. Let's let our hesitations spill out as we pour primer and our fears as the sawdust fills the air- why we are committed, why we are not - because it is in this openness that our stumbling can draw us together. We will not end up at the same conclusions, but will be richer for glimpsing the journey of those we paint alongside. We will not all stay here - but we all have a hand is its formation.
My fear? Giving in claustrophobia and the overwhemling-ness of living out true community. Drawing inward - retreating to stumble alone, repeating to myself continually that no one understands who I am and what I am staggering through. I am afraid that I will cope by busying myself in the daily work of operating the project and simply fulfilling the commitments I have made out of obligation, until I move on to the next thing, the next place. And then, letting those who are alone or uncomfortable do the same, unsupported - numbing myself to their needs and wants so well, that at some point I will cease to feel bad about it.
My hope? That our different journeys will become the strength behind this project. That we will embrace it not as an experiment, easily dismissed if failed - but as an opportunity to live life in a richer and fuller manner. No matter what this project looks like, it will not be easily controlled and the results not easily qualified - it is a journey, an adventure. I hope that I will stop using distance as my default reaction - I hope that my default reaction will instead become sharing my humanity.
-Beth
Atangard Community Project from Sam Bryce on Vimeo.
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