Painting My Own Discomfort

Why would anybody want to live in community? I’ve been asking myself this a lot lately. My life is full. Full to the rim with relationships, miscommunications, companionship, suffocation, hospitality and anxiety. I can't count the sleepless nights, playing and re-playing situations. Frustrated by people, frustrated by my reactions to people.

Reflecting on last weeks meeting, I ponder which direction to go with this posting. Where is the community at right now?

I want to be truthful. I’m learning that holding anxiety and conflict inside can be poison to the human body , to the mind and to relationships. There is something exceptionally healing in the safety of a listener, a sounding board, someone who can relate.

There are things inside of me that grip me with fear. Lies I believe. Maybe my parents believe them, maybe even my grandparents.

Community has caused me a lot of tension. There have been times, that my conveniently buried mess, the ugly stuff no ones supposed to see or know about, has come uncontrollably spewing out of me! This has left me embarrassingly exposed before my friends. Will they accept me..or reject me?

There are plenty of personalities floating around, prying and irking, curious little creatures, eager for intimacy. I instinctively take my Q, and slip into self preservation mode.

A friend shared a story with me: She was commissioned to do a painting. She worked on it faithfully in her art class. Her art teacher took a keen interest in her success as well. Each time she thought she was finished, the teacher would encourage her to keep working at it. There was always something to be tweaked. Finally, she was sure the painting was complete. The teacher came up behind her, looked at the painting and proceeded to paint a big black streak across the canvas. She was so mad, he just wrecked everything! The teacher looked at her and said, "You are afraid of depth."

Misty hadn’t told me this story metaphorically, but when she said that last line, my stomach started to turn, and I sensed God challenging me. Urging me to let down my guard to the people he's placed around me. I also heard a warning, it will be painful at times, to see that ugly black streak across the canvas.

Your wondering how this relates to last weeks meeting..? Adam Nash shared his story last Tuesday night with us. He told us memories from his childhood, and parts of his life growing up -a rambunctious pastors kid. I was struck by his transparency. He said he had no regrets ("well, maybe one", he admitted), because his experiences and even mistakes have lead him down the path to where he is today, shaped him into the person he is now. He talked about his relationship with his father and a common trend all through growing up of seeking approval from his dad. Adam didn’t sugar coat his story for us, he pretty much laid it all out there before us...I guess he was willing to risk our Judgment, fair or unfair.

Vulnerability still causes me a fair amount of discomfort. However I long to have texture and depth in my life. I want to learn to respond out of love, and not fear or lies. Community has brought me to a place where I am utterly dependant on God's grace and mercy. I am also left to except the grace of my friends.
Once in a while, I catch a glimpse of this painting being worked on. It’s quite an interesting piece, a reflection of me I hardly recognize. There's still distortion from disproportion, and parts that are almost warped by cynicism. Still, in spite my harsh critique I see something beautiful is emerging. So thank you Adam, your openness has inspired me to continue this pursuit of depth in relationship.
Yours truly,
Tessa

"I will give thanks to your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness, because your promises are backed up by the honor of your name. When I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me the strength I need...don't abandon me, for you made me." Psalm 138: 2,3 & 8

Fire for the year (Living in the wake).

I'm sitting across the street from a blinky-light vacancy sign. It's 1:12 and 7C. The sound of the pastry refrigerator cycles a reciprocating humdrum to accompany our books and tea, laptops and coffee. My mind crawls backward, through a tunnel of days gone by. The week that Mr. Mumby came to town was a slow train coming.

Coming together weekly bonds us. Lately we've engaged in collective silence for a couple hours. But Kayle Mumby came, a wandering vagabond, to break the silence. He spoke of angels, a pillar of fire in his back yard, the urgency of Truth, and our responsibility to be agents of justice in this world. We sat and took it all in, deciphering meanings of words, and weighing the rational with faith.

The angel said, "Fresh fire!!! fresh fire!!! fresh fire!!! Tell the people!” He motions with his index finger rigid. “Tell the people, the fire may seem to be withdrawing. But it only withdraws under the door to collect itself, as in a back draft. Do not lose hope. This year it will explode out, and the door will be destroyed. There’s oil in the fire.”

There was a tension in the air. How does one receive a prophetic message? Some of us have had experiences in the charismatic church, which now leave us disillusioned. Some of us come from more stoic upbringings, so some prophetic words sound very weird. But all pasts aside, the message was sure, and simple. What are we to contest in the encouragement from a friend? He says, “I travel around the world, telling people about you; that you lay down your lives for each other.” Those words are not the kind that one plays fast and loose with. It’s quite a thing to say about a group of people. I immediately felt, that I do not live up to such a statement. But who decides? Am I to bring all my energies to bear on my friend, convincing him that I surely am a wretch? That we are hardly worthy of such praise? Since these words were spoken in our hearing, I’ve been looking for their fulfillment from friends around me, and not been disappointed in the least. So then, together, we wait for the fire.

More words, “We talk of Faith Hope and Love, but we talk more about faith and love, and hope has just been tagging along. Friends, keep hoping.” In a place of stalled momentum, these words were fresh water in the desert. In the past, we’ve shared our individual ideas of what “The Project” is actually about. We are as yet unclear as to what this will become, or grow into. But we don’t speak as much anymore about what may or may not be. Instead, our meetings are located in the moment, curious, looking after one another, listening to one another, opening our ears to The Spirit. We pursue obedience without clinging to the results.

In particular Kayle spoke of our duty as Christians to do the work of The Kingdom of God. He mentioned abortion and human trafficking as two key issues that burn inside him. I think this is part of the tension experienced that night… How do you respond when someone you respect challenges you with uncomfortable realities? How do we respond to Reality/Truth, with all its inconveniences? It’s less painful, seemingly less costly to turn the T.V. on and forget about all that.

Surely we don’t pursue such a close quarters living arrangement at the Atangard because it is convenient. It could be fun, and relatively cheap, and maybe original, but it won’t often be convenient. Are we trying to prove something? Well, this is a question I leave unanswered. You may even protest my asking it. But my brother, my sister, regardless if our motives are pure or tainted, our vision distorted, here is our hope: this is not our Project, it is Jesus’.

Speaking for myself, Kayle’s coming and going was a catalyst. Four weeks later, I’m living in the wake of that week. Some people resonate with such Truth, that if you merely brush shoulders with them, even for a moment, you can’t help but be changed for the better.

Time to reconsider

Dear friends of atangard community project.

I hope that everyone has had as nice of a break as I have these last weeks. The question comes up about resuming meetings. I am a little hesitant to do that. Its not that they haven't been good and valuable, but it seems time that the doing needs to become more closely associated with the talking. We are not ready to start working in the building yet - this is one aspect of applying our "talk", but it goes beyond the building to many areas and topics which over the last months we have discussed and analyzed. It seems as though we have allowed an area of strength to become a weakness.

We started meeting weekly during a time of fasting and prayer for the project. These were some of the foundational times with each other as well as with the Lord. We cannot recreate what was, but there is a need to come back to a focus. There is a need for people to spend their personal time with God so that our meetings can be an overflow of that, as well as our lives reflection of our hearts.

In my readings these verses stood out in regards to us. I encourage you to read them in full specifically Isaiah 58.
Isaiah 58:2
For day after day they seem eager to seek me out; they seem eager to know my ways...
58:12
Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
58:13b
if you honor it(the day of the Lord) by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words, then you will find your joy in the Lord.
2 Cor 12:6
Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say.

What I am proposing is that we come together once again, but this time, lets omit all speech.
Come Tuesday Jan 13 - Not Wednesday. (My shift was changed)
From 7pm - 9pm, we will be there, plan to spend time quietly seeking God however that looks to you.
We will not have coffee or goodies or tea, maybe water. I would consider this time together a fast in some sense. And I feel that to corperately debrief afterwards would disqualify the effort.
Please respect the silence during this alloted time. Please forward this to people who i may have missed or whose addresses i do not have.

Thanks guys.
Sophie

What Are We?

The Wednesday meetings are good. I didnt regret a moment spent listening to Dave tell us of his life, the small things and the big things that have shaped who he is and how he came to now reside amongst us. Yet, somehow things have changed from when we first began meeting in the evening last spring. Perhaps it is the desperation that has dissipated as we feel more confident of our success or maybe the increase in attendees that makes each of us feel less alone in this massive undertaking or it is just the comfort of routine and familiarity of friends. Whatever the cause, the change has been almost entirely positive except for one thing; we had reached a plateau of vision.

So much of the past year was spent envisioning how to implement this plan of renovation. The paperwork, the endless meetings and the need to have our ideas accepted by so many different interests took its proper toll and some felt overwhelmed by responsibility while others felt unprepared or helpless as to how their contribution could be of any use. Many hands make light work, but too many cooks in the kitchen can spoil the broth. So we needed to find the balance of responsibility and a renewal of the vision, which is why a Thursday night meeting was called. A different night in a different location with a focus of vision might be just what we needed to move beyond the plateau.

Below I quote the ideas/thoughts/feelings/visions of those that spoke at the meeting as well as some replies to the things that they said. Some are exactly the words that poured past their lips, while others are more succinct interpretations of the paragraphs or concepts that were spoken. No conclusions were achieved at this meeting; neither was it the beginning of new ideals; rather it was the voicing of those aspirations we have always had and the concerns over how best to achieve them.

This [meeting] is neither the beginning nor the climax of all our planning, only a point on the path toward a goal - Heidi

We want to support people in the community enabling them to achieve their goals, dreams and aspirations. - Sophie

We are powerless... What does a spirit of boldness look like in a life dedicated to non-violence and humility? - Dave V

In a community our mistakes destroy more... but less completely, while our individual innovations can be lifted beyond what could ever be achieved alone. - Tessa

Need to talk about our goals that arrived at dead-ends because that is where we have learned the most. - Dan

We must take care of those with vision. - Dave V

This [community] can not be "maybe your passion", it must necessarily be your passions shared. - Tiff

Leaders must give up control and followers must take up responsibility.... that is the definition of community. - Dan

Mark your skills and serve in them, but understand your weaknesses and let God work through you in them. - Dan

Poverty does not necessarily mean humility; pride can still hide in dirty rags, but it is much harder to reach out to someone from a place of privilege. - Jim

We need a group of us to commit to daily pray together. - Heidi

We dont want to make people more like us, we want to make us like more people. - Beth M

There is a difference between living vicariously through others versus enabling other to do the things that you can not. - Dan

The community needs the support of people on the outside because they bring enriching nourishment to an ecosystem that would otherwise be self contained. - Jordan

Leaders need support as much as they need followers. - Carmen

We must understand that once we open the ecosystem, we could potentially lose the very things that gave it life. - Mark

People must be allowed to be committed to things that are not directly part of the community. - Jordan

Are we willing to commit to something beyond ourselves.... a commitment that has no time limit? - Dan

There is a specialness in being together, but even more in loving someone who is away, whose return is anticipated. - Dave S

There are different levels of investment. - Jim

Not everyone will or must feel that change is necessary. - Mark

Stop focusing on what we need and instead work toward giving away what we want. - Alie

Focus on serving God instead of on ways to serve God. - Beth A

Our dreams limit what God has in store for us. - Dan



As a conclusion I have tried to write a statement of vision that perhaps encapsulates that which is of central importance to the community. It excludes many aspects but I believe that it captures much of the vision of the Atangard Society; Hospitality and Community.

The Atangard Society is an organization that pursues building an infrastructure of hospitality, creating a physical space and an organizational framework to allow us to direct people to the help that they need.


- dan

Atangard In Da News.

November 12 - Field Trip to St. Chiara

Over the past week a lot has happened with Atangard.  First off, the proposal we put forth to the city was voted upon and it passed!  And without any opposition.  This is huge.  It is another big hurdle that is now behind us.  It's so good have tangible progress.  There are still other clerical issues that need to be dealt with such as insurance, but getting approval of the proposal is a big step in the right direction.

On Monday, November 10, several people from the project headed out to Vancouver to meet with the people of St. Chiara's who live in community in the downtown Eastside.  There are four main houses that are part of this community housing where they have an open door policy for meals and have several people who live there part time.  In total there are about 40 people in residence there with a core group of original members.  Kathy and Lane spoke with the people who were out there (Sophie, Carissa, Jim, Beth, Mark, Dave V, Dan, Debby, Dave S) about what they were doing and why it was they have made the choice to pursue living in a tight knit community and serving those around them.  They posed some difficult questions trying to see why it is that we are seeking to do something similar to what it is they have.  The group was challenged to find a concrete reason, or goal that they can unite within so that they can succeed in their efforts to make positive changes in Downtown Abbotsford.  Specifically each person was asked why they wanted to live at Atangard.  This got me thinking a bit, and as I don't intend on living at Atangard.  My current goal is to finish my schooling and to do this I need to move to the States for a few years, if all goes as I am planning that would mean that I'll be moving next fall.  So, why is it then that I'm involved in this at all?   I came up with two things: first I plan on helping with the renovations.  I have skills in that area as it's my current job and want to contribute in any was I can.  And secondly, and I think this reason is more important to me.  Even though living in Atangard isn't a goal of mine right now, many of the people who do want to live there are close friends of mine, and it's their goal to live there.  So for me, the main reason I'm involved is to help and support my friends in any way I can to help them achieve their goals.  It's the only thing that makes sense for me to do, so I do it as best I can.

What stuck out most to me as a theme of the conversation around St. Chiara was the challenge from Kathy and Lane to commit, and not just unofficially, but to really commit to a time period for how long you intend on living in Atangard.  They stressed that this was a very important issue.  The general sense of the discussion was that long term commitment is scary.  We don't like being "held down" for an extended period of time.  We like our ability to get up and go whenever we like if circumstances change, or if we just don't feel like doing whatever it is we're doing anymore.  Often it's easier to abandon a situation rather than stick around and work it out.  It's very evident in our culture by the number of failed marriages we see or hear about.  Commitment has become a word of convenience; if it's convenient for me, I'll be committed.  If we don't stand by our commitments we're just flakes.

To close out the night, Jamie spoke.  He shared the experience he had while at Interns at ACA.  He talked about the struggles he had with what he thought to be how a Christian should act, and the holding back of emotions that he thought a "good" Christian shouldn't have.  When he started to put aside these notions of how he thought he should act emotions he had suppressed started to come out and although is was a hard process and still is, it has been a healthy one.

That about sums up the meeting that was, so I'm going to sign off at that,

Steve

Before Pictures

The above the pictures are from the inside of the FVI (the hotel that we will be renovating/where we will live). Don't worry, reno's haven't started yet.